WELL FUCK

he can have you.

i don't think it's funny to be racist.

I'm a little worried right now because i haven't wanted to act. i haven't picked up any monologue material in like... three weeks. i sorta had a little mini-breakdown, followed by some depression, but such is my life. i understand that mini-breakdowns and depression are definitely a part of who i am. now i just have to be smart and apply them to my art, the art i wanna make. i'm so tired of over-articulating my life. but now i haven't been wanting to talk at all and BLAH i am getting bitter cause shit doesn't go the way i want it to, period. i can't control other people and subtle control of people is usually what i like :x i've realized i'm a little more psychotic than i would like to be.

just yesterday i started feeling better- i can turn on myself really quickly though. I AM TRYING NOT TO.



until then, i will listen to nina simone. i love youuuu porgy.

will you lift me even higher?

it's become all too clear to me just how crazy my mother makes me. her fucking smug faces, telling me i am "not right in the head" and that i'm on "pills". I don't know how to cope with this toxic relationship with her. ugh it's so ugly and twisted. i grind my teeth so much, slam so many doors, cry all the time... and she actually scoffs. she LAUGHS at me when i tried to tell her just now that accusing me of being on pills and telling me i am crazy isn't something i can deal with. "no selina, ya, estas loca"

i hate to say it but now, this is me. THIS IS MEEEE, who i am, the person i had been running from all this time. if i seem crazy, or emotional or passionate... that's because i am an emotional person, sorting through my feelings can take me all day. it can takes weeks or years. i know my mother is a bipolar 65 year old woman but it isn't fair. i am 23 and so weak minded and emotionally undeveloped, it's not FAIR. but 23 should also mean that i am not living with her anymore. i am excited to move out where i will feel better, where i will live and breathe a craft that has captivated me since i was a child. it's the light at the end of a VERY long tunnel. sara told me that her relationship with mom has gotten better as far as not seeing her as often, but that she's still the same woman. financially helpful, emotionally ruining.

ummm

can i JUST SAY that i am fully, without a doubt inspired by christina aguilera. i mean, vocally who wouldn't be... but her message is so obvious and clearly communicated whenever there is confusion. her message is and has always been female empowerment and almost worship. sometimes it all out there like in the song "cant hold us down" but in her new music video "not myself tonight" she is playing with a lot of s&m imagery. she's the dominatrix but she's also bound and gagged... giving her the decision to be in dominant or submissive but nonetheless powerful. the name of her album is "bionic", another nod to the power of women. i think about how she became a mother recently and i think that her suggestion is that women are a sub-human... able to carry and birth life, almost superior :x. she is probably feeling like a "bionic" woman because she can be a zillion different things all at one time, we all can. she's a mother, a wife, a daughter, a vocalist, a performace artist... but most of all a strong woman.

i feel sad that she is being compared to lady gaga. christina has been platinum blond and is constantly reinventing herself. the "inventions" may not be the freshest we've seen but christina can be the innocent 18 year old girl, dirrty girl, a 20's pin up girl and a bionic woman all at the same time... yet another one of her points. there is no reason to choose, her choice is to be all "tonight i'm not the same girl". sooo fucking good, i am so weirdly excited because she has a song with peaches on the new album and JD Samson produced two songs on it. :x isn't that fucking crazy?

poppin like champagne bottles but we're never shook

oh man, what a wasted day. worry worry worry, i don't have any problems. i don't need certain people in my life, i had the courage to accept that earlier this year... and now i am just taking it all back. it's hard to grow i guess, cause the next time you fall the fall is much harder. but i refuse to fall, there are some things i have to stay focused on if i want my life to be the fullest, richest it can get. i have enough things to worry about what with my career [it sounds so good to say that], my lack of a job, rejuvenating my relationship with my immediate family, waiting on chase bank to assign me an investigator, clearing up my credit, getting a loan... i have a lot on my plate.

i can't worry about being harassed on my tumblr or being called a bitch and or being terrorized by my friend's boyfriend. i don't expect anything else out people such as those, so i needa chill on being surprised.
life weeded out for me the things that weren't working for me and somehow the weeds are creepin around again. but i won't let them, i can spot them a mile away now. so UM NO.

i logged in to do thiiiis

do you like it boy? i want want want, what you got got got give it to me baby like boom boom boom. what i want want want, is what you want want want na naaaaa aaaaa-aaaaah


there is something so incredibly special about her voice : [ it's definitely all style but sometimes her low notes make me sooo happy. i'm happy this morning. incredibly so.

cm, ym- cash money bidness

oh man. things are just so unfair.
i want to scream and yell and kick shit, destroy things, cry loudly. none of that helps, this feels like a silent blog that goes on and on and on. oh my my my, sometimes i wish and wish so hard that things that happened to me will go away. i can't get them to go away, it slaps me in the face all the time, every morning any time that i'm alone. i feel like it knows my weaknesses, knows how to cling on every cell, it makes my heart absolutely ache.


but i gotta learn how to deal. i find that talking about without people rolling their eyes and getting so impatient is a great way of coping for me. but people are tired of hearing the same thing over and over, sometimes i progress leap and bounds and sometimes i am so far back i can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.



i think laughing help me soo much. today my asian friend went to a store and as soon as she walked inside she was like, "oh my god there are nothing but 'philippinos' in here they are all gonna like me". so wrong on so many levels that i just burst out laughing harder than ever. it's super light and infectious to laugh at something silly and ridiculous. it makes me feel childlike, like i am pure. experiencing one of the oldest, truest human emotions. lose myself in laughter and in FUCK. :p

Jimmy Fallon is hot.

dear guy who knocked me up,

you fucking WISH i was making it up. but actually, that's the only thing i know has happened to me in the last 3 1/2 years, one of the only things i know is fucking real.

my friend from mexico is also not fake. he's not even a really good friend nor have a mentioned him to any of YOU sick sons of assholes.

WHEW

the over-reaction queen of the world is still me :D last night while i was writing that blog i was screaming and crying. i felt like someone beat me up and pulled my heart out of my face.


but it's really something very silly. i know thiiiis. i also know that the person upsetting me is a monster, a complete and total scary monster. i really, REALLY have to let go of this shit. but i react suuuuuper uncontrollably. but you know what? now it's under control and things are fucking okay. he is not gonna rain on the parade that is MAH LYFE.

los angeles anyone?

it seems hilarious to think that i was writing such a fucking sapping blog entry about loving people... and seeing the good in people and exposing myself like that. i know better than that, i should hope that by now i know better than that.

i am completely shocked at how easily i am set back. it makes me think that i never really got anywhere in the first place... how can i have such a flimsy fucking grasp on happiness. the truth is i don't know if i will ever survive my sadness, i can't keep my head above water. i'm happy to know that now i am at least trying everyday to make it better, but the sadness comes back in rare form. it's so strong, i haven't learned how to overcome it.




it's just hard sometimes. but it's okay, it has to be okay now.

party monster

my life is pretty fucking smooth right now. i don't have much to worry about and a lot to look forward to. i don't know what made me think that being negative was smart and savvy and would get me anywhere. turn the knob just a hair to the right and i can hear the radio station loud and clear.

i'm still pretty hard on people inside of my brain, i am still hard on myself but there is something different going on. i think i am learning how to accept people and respect them, actually see the good qualities they have. and the same can be said for myself, i am focusing on the good things i feel and desperately trying to let go of little demons trying to hold me down.




they pop up in my life everyday, these little bloodsucking demon fuckers that want me to self destruct.


i went to a party last night and it turned out to be such an interesting night. i went from crying to laughing so hard i cried.
i guess i have a phobia of men.


i have a reason to be afraid. there was this drunk TEK? frat guy that was the scariest thing i've seen in a while. he was clearly drunk and i don't mind the hitting on my friends, i don't mind the trying to get it. i don't mind if they do get it. this guy was doing the drunk thing where you put your arm around someone really low on their back... and start touching their legs... like grazing them with his hands. he felt so fucking entitled, like cause his dick wanted it... it was his. there was no thought about her, none at all. he was directly staring at her body, fucking creeping me the fuck out.



what made it worse is it got really bad at a point, he pulled a chair next to her and started talking really closely to her face all the while doing the fucking hands on her body shit. and NO ONE said anything. she was surrounded by her friends, including me. and we did nothing. i was scared, so angry... but scared. the moment of truth and i cowered. i consider myself outspoken in lots of aspects but i just watched horrified. finally the birthday boy took her inside while the rest of his frat brothers decided it was time for him to leave.

i was really disappointed in what had happen and in myself for not being able to speak up. i ended up crying quite a bit about it. i don't really know how to explain it or if i need to... but it was really terrifying to see him stumbling around and slobbering and putting his hands on people. he looked so strong to, i was afraid of his strength. and what he could do, what i believe he could do.



i know this isn't partial to men. women are strong and women could easily sexually assault someone. not all men scare me, clearly... but it's just men. also, clearly, some women scare me but not nearly as significantly as men do.












so it looks like my credit is getting cleared up and i am getting closer to being able to get a loan for los angeles. i am so excited to act and learn about the craft and continue my voice lessons there! i can't stop smiling whenever i think about it hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahaha





i've been obsessed with the color fushia, chola makeup and hair [more than usual] and plum lipstick will i ever really wear plum lipstick... i don't know. i hope to god that i do.

HOYT'S MOM hahaha

this is a hilarious scene, we all have mother's like this right?!

i am tired of being overwhelmed

i don't know why i can't just properly handle things.
I've been TRIPPING out all morning, that's such a lie cause i just woke up. but i know what i mean :x haha


i don't want to overreact about bars anymore. when i first stopped taking bars... i could be around people who barred out and they served as inspiration for me not to. but i'm stupid and not strong in the slightest and that shit doesn't fly anymore. i am SOMEWHAT envious of barred out people, really angry mostly. angry, partially at myself because i wanna have little to no reaction to bars.


YOU KNOW, i find myself saying i want little to no reaction to alot of things. camel, bars, the queen of my world, my mom...
the truth of the matter is i react very highly. i am a highly reactive person, i shouldn't be so anxious to change that shit. i give a fuck, i am volatile and excited. i have to stand for something, because i've been falling for everything.


idk what this is about.

tessie barks shrilly

the art walk is today, there is some event at ambiente today. i am not entirely interested in either one but i plan on attending both.

i've really been trying to capture a positive attitude. but an ACTUAL positive attitude. it takes constant work and effort on my part but it's okay. i can be so emotionally lazy sometimes that i'd rather be neggy cause it comes easier and is more natural for me. today i thought about the great personality traits my friends [and sometimes non-friends] possess. i don't have to be everyone's friend, people can find me annoying... it's OKAY. i can still appreciate them for being funny and admire them for having beats in their heads louder than their hearts. i can be so emotional and sensitive sometimes but i think that is what makes me so interested in manipulating human emotions and having an emotional imagination. i am all stella adlered out.


i have a new life plan, which is move to los angeles.
there are a few things i have to do here in order to make it possible. I need to pay off some SERIOUS debt. dudes, i made some major financial fuck ups that i need to take care of.

I owe on two separate accounts to chase bank around: $1000
I owe to STC's credit card progam around: $200
I owe some crazy law office that wants to sue me: $700
I owe the city of Port Isabel: $400


---all of these debts make me a UNDESIRABLE candidate for a loan. and i am gonna need a BIGGIE loan to move. like... such a huge one. i am thinking about two or three sets of $25,000. the hard part was getting accepted! i am SO glad that i did.



i know i am right now though. i've always known in my heart that i am an actor but now it is cemented in by the fact that someone who studied under stella adler herself accepted me into the school. her understanding of performance art is probably the best for me. i am somewhere between using the stella adler technique and method acting. which is like saying that you are black and white [the colors not the ethnicities]. stella adler uses her IMAGINATION to make things real, she doesn't believe in pulling from an actor's own personal experience. she is true to the direct form of acting... which is bringing your emotions out of thin air. out of what you know and what you've felt and what you can imagine. it's the truest and oldest form of acting and in my opinion is the sincerest form of acting. :D


i am looking forward to my lifeee.

harlow-kitty, enormi-kitty

ugh. i hate when i am backed into a corner. i am not good, it's not good. you are a fool and you will lose.

a life without crisis

is a life i need to get used to. i need to kick back and ride the wave. i always thought that i did but, it turns out that i am just making the motions of riding the wave and all the while i've been drowning.

dying to please.

whatever, i don't want to talk about my weird relationship with my mother. i just want to tell this story.

I've given up going to sxsw because it falls in the middle of my mother's 65th birthday, i've been running around like a chicken without a head trying to find her the PERFECT wallet. She is insistant upon a few musts: it must have a zipper as opposed to a button to close the checkbook area, it must be a dark color as she has plenty of pen-marked cream colored ones, it must be leather... for who knows what reason. so i went to target FOR MYSELF as browsed the wallets, i found an awesome little snappy one that was bright red and i liked it for me. i couldn't bear to leave the store without something mom related so i bought her this wreath of wood shavings shaped like roses, it's really pretty [she hates actual flowers]. back the wallets, i actually found one with the zipper for the checkbook! that excited me beyond belief cause i had been several places [bealls and kohls] and they simply don't exist. the color was black with a few generic looking "brand" designs on it that were grey so i figured that fit the bill. it's not leather because it's target not neiman marcus.


SO i bring it home, she's not very happy with it. i can deal with that it's OKAY! so i tell her we'll keep looking.
after getting my warrant cleared, i apply again for the census at the McAllen Chamber of Commerce... a few steps from the mall. beyond my wildest dreams, i have an urge to go to the mall and look for badass wallets. so i go to Macy's... NONE of them have the zipper checkbook thing but of course they are all leather and all overpriced. and not just overpriced slightly, well into the 300 dollar range. OMG no. i had only brought 200 hundred anyway.




i come home to find that she's put all her stuff in the target wallet. but something isn't settling well with me. her first reaction to the wallet was NO, then all of a sudden it's okay. i go into her room and ask her about it but i interrupt "bible time". i ask about it and she says in spanish that god would "punish her" if she were choosy about a wallet. to each her own, that's chill. and i'm asking her about the functions and to show me how everything looks in it. then she makes the most ANNOYING face sorta a downward smile [the rodriguez brothers are famous for this look except they don't look annoying] and she says "IT'S PRETTY ROUGH".







and i'm like "WAIT, WHAT does that mean?", she starts telling me it's tough on her hands because it's not leather and she mentions that i always buy myself nice things [the aforementioned red wallet was 8 dollars] and that i made myself a "pendeja" trying to buy her cheap things.


eh i just started to cry. i threw some fit and yelled called her an asshole, came to my room and cried. i'm thinking that i really want her to like me now. i am thinking that i want her to like ME. not my room being clean or how many times i take a shower in a week. because i refuse to change those things about myself... now i am trying to get her to love me at any cost. spending my money... doing things for her, making dinner with her every night, reading the bible to her out loud while she gets ready for work. it's a lot of work, it's a nightmare and she still doesn't like me. officially GIVING up.

they took coraline

off of on demand.

oh and you know those problems? i'm over it.

"que quiere decir pimp?"

"it means something good mom"
"OH DOES IT?"

henney con cranberry

earlier this morning my itunes was on shuffle. it started to play watagatapitusberry, i felt like throwing up.

INCOME TAX

yes yes yes yes yes. i don't know about mo money mo problems because ALL of my problems are temporary solved because of a big fat check that was mailed to my house yesterday afternoon.


I have to give my mom $200
the city of edinburg needs $200
i need a car wash costing $80 [monster carwash is a trip]
don't forget the oil change $30
taking my friend out for sushi $50
a full tank of gas $25
getting a fat sack $10
Sephora make up restock $100
getting tessie's hair cut $40
acidwash leggings made $20

...suddenly it's not so exciting. but i am so glad i won't have to worry about that fucking ticket anymore. it's a nightmare trying to find a job when you have a physical warrant for your arrest. i was so busy wondering why the city didn't wanna hire me as their secretary or why the CENSUS never called me back. hell-o, i wasn't thinking so clearly when i applied for those jobs.

I don't enjoy beer as much as i enjoy the idea of having "drinks". isn't that so yuppie? i don't even like to drink but i am obsessed with HAVING DRINKS cause it sounds cool and it's something i am rarely in a position to do. Luckily for me, urban outfitters is out of stock of these black wedges i wanted that would only mean spending another 100 dollars on them. i started thinking, i've spend upwards of $2000 dollars at that store and hardly any of the things i bought are still in tact.


ANITA, i should go to her again. yeah i know valley girl staple but i really enjoy the feeling of going to a little shop in the middle of mcallen.










Things are really falling apart for a friend of mine. and oddly enough i feel like they are coming together for me. i was completely disrespected on FACEBOOK a couple of days ago. and since then my friend hasn't called to apologize to me... or at least explain but my arch nemesis alex did? that doesn't have me feeling so good about my boy-friend but i know he is bombarded with emotions right now, i know exactly what that feels like. i will hang in there and wait to see what comes of this silly, sorted parade. if you wanna have an ego battle, don't do it at my expense- that was FUCKED up. i'm disgusted.







tessie REALLY needs a bath. damn girl.

my bar behavior continues to haunt me.

i don't even know which way is up. i want to stop being punished for things i did, for how stupid i acted. i can't control this anymore- i feel like a lot of my fucking energy goes into trying to cover up my tracks and move on... when i am not doing that i am dwelling, being plagued and getting eaten away; being half the fucking person that i am.

i am trying to escape myself but so far the only way i've tried to escape it is running away. there are other ways to escape and eventually no matter how hard i try i am going to have to choose an alternative way. i am running out of people to run to, everyone knows me. this is getting harder and harder.



i am watching the episode of the sopranos where christopher's film "cleaver" is released a fucking gangster zombie movie with the antagonist character being modeled after tony soprano.




devanee showed me a video of me on the last day i hung out with sofia. i am miserable and mortified. how could she not? i mean... how on earth was i? i don't even know how to continue these questions to myself. the way i look and sound, the shit i am doing- it's fucking sick. i am fucking sick. it hasn't been long enough for me to forgive myself. i do not forgive myself. and if i haven't been able to do that, i shouldn't expect forgiveness from anyone else. i want it so bad, i want it nowwwwww. the truth of the matter is, i don't think i am gonna get it. i think people have washed their hands clean of me, that's okay. i get it.

wow

i can fucking taste it, it's palpable

things are okay.

and i eat pears everyday. i walk tessie everyday. i try to do ME everyday. i've learned when i am anxious i need to just ride the wave of being a human being. i don't have to soothe myself every minute of everyday, i certainly don't need to indulge in relaxation. i've been dreaming of my friends lately, i have dreams that seem like a lifetime ago. like i have no idea how things were how they were. i wake up pretty early and sleep pretty early, i feel tired in the morning and tired at night. i've had two periods since i've seen a lot of people.

i think i am trying to fool myself into thinking that i am some kind of gentle soul. like i'm not raging angry about some things because i want to feel serene. i'm trying to convince myself that i can be someone else, that i don't have to be held captive by my anger. i feel sometimes as if all this shit is in my head, so much now more than ever.



i don't know what's going on but i think i'm losing.

MARCH-eyes.

i plan on not seeing anyone in a party-like environment until march. not literally MARCH FIRST but somewhere around there. i've committed to being 60 days off of bars until i can go out again. its just something i said i would do... and i wanna do it.


i find it so strange that i can lie to myself, break promises to myself; seemingly, i stop myself from doing anything good. so why can't i stop myself from doing something bad? the break i've had from the outside world is hurting me. i feel paranoid and like i have to watch my back, i need to let go of that. i need deal with being ashamed of myself, it's not easy.

this first month off of bars has been a huge blur. the first couple week or so i would have extraordinary dreams that were repeats of things i've ALREADY DONE and they were nightmares. isn't that hilarious? nightmares of me doing things.... that i've actually already done. slight things were altered but for the most part, i already dealt with all of that. or i THOUGHT i dealt with it... i was too barred out to know what i was doing. so i feel like my brain has stored this creepy shit, waiting for a sober opportunity to deal with it. cause after all, nothing goes unpunished.

jesus christ

i am having a really bad panic attack, over the silliest things. i think i just get a lot of anxiety out of a certain situation that's been pressing deeper and further. i sorta wanna eliminate it but it would take a while, a lot of other things need to happen before this particular thing can. i sometimes feel like the rhythm of my heartbeat really changes, it actually changes. i've never known the reason why your actual organ hurts when you're heartbroken but it sure as fuck does. this shit is probably just all in my head, like the way you forget to breathe. i know how to breathe, let's go, let's go.

wow

i have never tried to be positive in my entire life. it's really fucking hard.

i don't wanna fight with friends anymore. i am in ONE fight and that's the only one i wanna be in.

like an alarm clock you can't turn off

blah blah blah and then ten minutes later BLAH.



so operation: STAY-OUT-OF-EVERYONES-FACE-SO-I-CAN-STOP-TAKING-BARS is going pretty well. i am visiting friends during the day and making sure that i come home before six. :x i am super sensitive, any little wave of emotion makes me really vulnerable. so my friends don't get to humiliate me anymore with volatile communication. i really have no room or desire to bother with that right now. i am too busy realizing awful shit i've done and feeling like shit about it. but i am feeling like shit constructively, it's not a big deal. i am working on taking responsibility for my actions but there have been so many fucked up actions... it's kinda hard to distinguish what was bar related and what wasn't.

i found two bars in my car and cried again. I CRIED OVER BARS, cause i wanted to take them super bad. i shoved them out the window and after i cried for like a minute i got really mad? and started banging on the wheel. i don't know how i fucked myself up so bad but it happened. i just gotta come back to being schelly. and hopefully there are still people waiting for me to be normal and if their aren't, i will have paid the ultimate price. and maybe now i'll know what it really feels like to be lonely, not the pseudo loneliness i've victimized myself with over the years.



today is a new day and i am taking tessie for a walk.

there's a hole in the world like a great black pit and the vermin of the world inhabit it.

I have a sinus infection. hahahahahhahaha, no surprise there. i don't know why i hadn't thought of that myself. I went to the doctor today because now my nose is stuffed and i have phlegm coupled with just about the worst sinus pressure i've ever felt.


so i walk in the examination room and nothing gives me more anxiety than waiting not inside the waiting room but inside the examination room. it drives me bananers, i don't know why... it just always has. to be in the presence of the fucking old needles people have used and cotton balls and the fucking doctor NEVER enters the room. so i am sitting there trying to explain my symptoms, all the while i am shaking my legs and talking with my hands. very common selina behavior, especially inside the examination room. when she asks me, "did you need a refill on your anti-anxiety medication". i had totally forgot that dr. melva palacios had once, last year, prescribed xanax.

i stopped dead in my tracks and almost blushed and let out a very quick "no". to which she responded, "are you sure?" and i said another even shorter "yes". but then we both stayed quiet for a long time. i could feel her watching me and by the time i looked up at her, i had already started crying. she got up off her wheely chair, put her hand on my shoulder and said, "you are going to be okay". then... i felt crazy. i started to smile and laugh and i said "i know, i'm excited!". She suggested i see a psychologist and referred me to one. to be honest, i probably would have made an appointment by now- only SURPRISE my insurance doesn't cover that particular doctor.








but i don't need/want doctors in my life. i am kind of scared at the clarity i've gotten in just ten days or so.




my friends won't tell me the shit that a certain friend has talked about me. they refuse to show me certain texts and or conversations they have had with this certain person because they know it will just put me in a xanax-state of mind. that's actually a really fucking good idea! i know people are loaded with horrible, bad and above all TRUE things to say about me. i don't know why i insist on hearing word for word what this person says/has said about me. it won't help me, i have just got to LET GO of negativity no matter how desperately i try to hold on to an semblance of it.



new world in my viewwwww, on my journey i pursue. they caught me running, running from the city cause i've got the new world in my viewwwww. it's so lame but songs really help a sister out and singing really loudly does too. i bathed tess today and she's mad. she doesn't wanna climb onto my bed.




I WON'T BE PUNISHED FOR LONG.

yellow cling

i just opened a 6 pound can of peaches in light syrup.

please don't confront me with my failuressssssss, please please do!

i'm in the stage of recovery where i am just super ashamed at all the weird/barlowed things i would do, i can only imagine how bad i looked doing it.  soooooo disgusted with myself but i am HAPPY to be.  you know what i mean?  all this shame that i tucked away and hid behind more and more bars is finally catching up to me.  i am having flashbacks of me saying i have people dicks in check?! of me needing to vomit and farting at the same time? of me making things up entirely out of nowhere? of me getting a horrible reputation as a LIAR, of me waking up in the passenger seat of my own car in some neighborhood, of me not remembering the conception of a child... which lead to an abortion, of me not being able to stay sober enough to find a fucking job so i wouldn't leave my friend hanging when i moved into her house, of me eating gross things and not even remembering the next day, of me sharing information with people that i shouldn't have, of me telling people that i loooove them AND hate them, tooo fucked up.  just tooooooooooo fucked up. 

bars are reminding me of cocaine now.  that sudden disgust i got with cocaine is what saved me.  i have to suddenly become disgusted by bars and you know? I AM.


i wanted to audition for a play yesterday at pan am.  but as i was going through some monologues from an old book i realized i am not at my acting peak right now.  i am sorta having trouble feeling anything.  and no, i am not apathetic.  i just mean.... idk.  i am having trouble placing myself in someone elses shoes, my shoes my shoes are oh so full.  with bars dancing and dancing in bars and falling four times at tejano bounce. 





i am going to be okay.

wait until your father gets home

how many times can i dream about him crushing ice into my kneecap on our way to seaworld?

i told you i was trouble,

just knocking at your door.  i can't seem to feel a thing other than pain.  today i realized i am sorta impervious to happiness or anything good, i let it slide right off of me.  it can't touch my skin, it won't stay inside, it doesn't dig deep, it just doesn't stay inside me anymore. 

this isn't about anyone or anything in particular but more about everyone and everything around me, not around me.  how did i get so far away from what i want to be? how did i get so close to becoming my fucking nightmare?

how do i stop this?

but left to hang like yarn and twine dangling before my eyes.

i can hear the breathing of a pretty boy and girl sleeping on the floor behind me, their breathing is in sync and it's making me feel a lot better right now. this is not easy, i find myself shedding tears for a lost friend in secret, while a house full of people sleep. i've been waking up early just for this special time i need for myself. a quick and quiet reminder that the pain in feel now , is the pain i've already sent out there- it's just coming back around full circle.

yesterday was my first day not taking bars. i don't know how long i am going to hold out on my first try but i am sorta hoping to find out that i am fucking super woman and that i can fucking do this. it literally hurt seeing everyone break off a half or take an entire bar yesterday. i wanted to get angry about it, until i started to remember one night that i came home and took pictures with my macbook when i was barred out. i couldn't look good, i couldn't look normal. i woke up the next day and i was shocked, like a glass of ice cold water had just been thrown in my face.




moral superiority fascinates me.







i'm not even sure that our friendship will survive this. what if i never take another bar? i don't think that will magically put everything back in order. i hate, hate, HATE to say that i think this one is severed for good. i just hope in a month or so someone will drop her a line, telling her how good i've been and for her to know that it's for her and me. to show a little fucking appreciation for an 8 year friendship, my part of mourning her is finally doing right by me.





and you tear you tear your hair from roots, from that same place you have twice removed.
now we speak in ruined tongues and the words we speak aren't meant for anyone. just a mumbled sentence to a passing acquaintance but there was once you. - i never thought that bright eyes would show up in my life again and make sense.






i wish i could wear a mask.

just as all was well.

my aforementioned friend said he read my post and that he thought it was nice and hoped i meant it. cause i've said things of that nature before but never followed through until last night.

but unfortunately, this evening a dear DEAR dear friend of mine told me that she no longer wanted to know me. I am so crushed and heartbroken. I've never imagined that she would choose to no longer be on my side. the weight on her shoulders, the shell around her that i created was crushing her. and i let another friend whom i care deeply for, slip through my fingers. she hasn't been very proud of me these last couple of months, i've been at my worst.

the worst part of the situation is i'm someone else now. i have to fully engage in the fact that recently, i've been a bar-monster. i've been going out non-stop for about 6 weeks now. my friends and i usually have the best time, but what some of my friends don't have in common with me is my abuse/love for xanax. this entire 6 week period has been dripping with bars from the ceiling. you know... like having a crack in your roof and you're knee deep in water without knowing where it's coming from.

I carry with me this horrible, horrible little human inside me that's a jealous, addictive, mean, cruel, BITTER and vicious animal. the animal that most of us have inside. but when i take bars which are always like [two or three, recently i took five] that little monster creeps its way out. it disrespects me, embarrasses me and makes me the night's entertainment. the silly, drunk, stumbler of the evening, thank you very much. i discovered this little monster tonight. i thought "sure i am a crazy asshole sometimes aren't we all?"- that's what i'd tell myself to keep the big scary evil at bay. but the key is to suppress it and have tact whenever i do want to let that monster out. even if it's in public or a private conversation.

so now that that's explained... there are other complications arising from my drug abuse. just recently, i would have sworn on my life that i got into this huge fight with a friend and that he had kicked me out of his house. so i went around my usual crowd of friends, telling them how i was "sooooooo fucked up" and it was "sooo badass". and none of it, not a word happened : [

it actually gave me goosebumps to write that. i fabricated a story out of thin air... nothing even closely related happened. in fact, my friend let me know i was very polite though extremely "barred out". is that not the scariest thing you've heard?

i hit a very high peak on thursday and this tuesday morning i am experiencing the lows. well, one of my friends seems to have a small amount of faith left in me.

but the friend i spoke of earlier, whose shoulders were crushing... she can't bear it anymore. she's an entirely different being also. she's my friend. i can't say it any other way that she is my best friend. she is amazing, she has flaws, she's everything. i've known her for so long, we sing songs together, she makes me walk when she knows i hate it, she makes me delicious food, introduced me to her awesome family, carried me inside on bars when i was passed on on concrete in front of a lot of people, met my crazy ass mother, hates my sister : D, hates my dog hahaha, makes me laugh harder than i ever have before. to think that i'll never get to smell her coconut oil hands and clothing perfumed in teatree oil, or taste of curry and delicious cookies makes me crumble inside.

i don't know how i could have done what i did to her for so long. she has a baby and struggles of her own, there is no way i don't understand why she doesn't want me in her life. i've been this incredible, incredible source of negative energy for a long time. almost black hole like. and now since the drug use has gotten worse... it's like watching me rot from the inside out. AND coupled with the making stories up and lying to her. she's convinced that i lie about everything. she even asked me if my friend from mexico was real. something that brought me to tears because how could i have let that happen.... how could i let my best friend doubt me in such a profound way that she thinks i would make a person up? I get a literal pain in my chest thinking about it. she told me my excuses were laughable and laughed at me. she has never done that before, she also called me an asshole and was being sarcastic and highly agitated the whole time. the way that she treats someone she really doesn't like... she was being cruel. i've known her for long enough to know that she's really really pissed off at me. so yeah, i'm fucking without a doubt crushed right now.

NOW! the more pressing topic. how the fuck am i gonna deal with this blow? I've cried talking to a friend of mine about it, i cried in the shower and i cried during this blog. I have drank one beer and smoked tobacco. what am i going to do when i wake up from all of this? i swear it feels like a dream, like i am gonna wake up from this. but this is my reality right now and it makes my heart beat fucking faster every time i think of that.

it will be a day-to-day struggle. i feel like she had a BULLSHIT expiration date and i gave her just about enough.

sadly enough, this is what i need. for the people closest to me to say I'VE HAD ENOUGH. because i don't want to be with her or alone. i'm already so fucking lonely in a room full of people, the actual manifestation of being alone would be too much to bare.

so this is what i've been doing:

i need to sing my range. yesterday i was only able to hit 5 octaves [which in my case makes me an alto] but usually i am a 6 octave range [which makes me a mezzo-soprano] i'm worried about that.

theater?!

wow. new year, same old selina.

i am amazing myself lately with my ridiculous behavior.

i am solving nothing, nothing, nothing. trying to get someone to feel as badly about themselves as i do but this person feels nothing.

i've been thinking a lot about forgiveness and what it means to me. i believe that i am truly incapable of it, in certain circumstances. i forgive and i don't forget- but is that really forgiveness? i choose to let certain people back into my life so that i can be friendly when i wanna be and be a mean, nasty person whenever i feel like it. AND the excuse is always that i am still mad about the old shit. i can lose my temper whenever i want because of something i've already supposedly forgiven that person for. right?

wrong. i really, really didn't think that i was delusional. which i guess is part of actually being delusional. i didn't think that i was in a relationship with that person [though all my friends agree that i treated this person as if we were] i don't want to be his girlfriend. what i do what however, is to keep him miserable.

so this person that i speak of was having some issues with his friends. and they would all talk shit about him, literally we'd have at least a 10-30 minute conversation about this person and it would all be bad talk and half of me loved it, while the other half of me hated it. i wanted to stay true to this person and be his friend but at the same time i was loving the fact that he was suffering- and that kind of evil that lives and harbors inside of me scared me.

i couldn't believe that i was enjoying the fact that people didn't want him around anymore. i was also enjoying the fact that i was one of the few that still spoke to him. manipulative much?

my entire reaction and disposition was so hateful and twisted. i almost felt like i was addicted to this person. the high i would get whenever i he was around, the high i would get keeping it a secret from my friends that i still wanted him around, the pain and literal withdraw i felt when he wasn't around... all very very sickening.

many many times i had come to the decision of not speaking to that person anymore because i couldn't handle myself around them. but a week would roll around and i would literally be fiending to talk to him. until, thursday night.

thursday night i embarrassed myself and him by yelling at him in a club, throwing peanuts at him and getting kicked out. i really didn't think it was that big of a deal... but what kind of friendship is that? not a normal one... not one that he wants anymore. HE had to make the decision because i wasn't strong enough to do it on my own. he officially called it off and said that he didn't want to see me for a while and needed a break from my ridiculousness.

and those were entirely valid points. but then he went as far as to say that when i was drunk/barred i became a sexual deviant? i don't know that i agreed with all his points, particularly that one.

okay! so the point is i got the new world in my view. now that i don't have much of choice... i think it's going to be easier for me to actually move on. not just pretend but ACTUALLY do it.

so i got to thinking about the new world and the new year i wanna live in. and it's mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine. i am buying fabric this morning and am gonna make a friend of mind a dress and do some other creative things, i'm gonna pick up my camera and do creative things with that... get involved in the arts that i love again. get over the silly stuff and keep busy.

this living inside of my brain thing does not work for me. for years i felt like i was rotting from the inside out. some people could tell the general sadness i usually carried around with me. i don't want to be that person anymore. i want to be confident, i want to respect myself and above all i want to love myself. the problem is... it's been so long since i haven't i don't even know where to start.

what i've decided is that respecting yourself and loving yourself is a day-to-day struggle. every moment, every decision has to be made with my best interest at heart. so that's it, that's how i will begin this crazy, obscure journey to self-respect. i just hope i get there. i am not even half the girl i used to be.

2010 is the year i get me back.