there's a hole in the world like a great black pit and the vermin of the world inhabit it.

I have a sinus infection. hahahahahhahaha, no surprise there. i don't know why i hadn't thought of that myself. I went to the doctor today because now my nose is stuffed and i have phlegm coupled with just about the worst sinus pressure i've ever felt.


so i walk in the examination room and nothing gives me more anxiety than waiting not inside the waiting room but inside the examination room. it drives me bananers, i don't know why... it just always has. to be in the presence of the fucking old needles people have used and cotton balls and the fucking doctor NEVER enters the room. so i am sitting there trying to explain my symptoms, all the while i am shaking my legs and talking with my hands. very common selina behavior, especially inside the examination room. when she asks me, "did you need a refill on your anti-anxiety medication". i had totally forgot that dr. melva palacios had once, last year, prescribed xanax.

i stopped dead in my tracks and almost blushed and let out a very quick "no". to which she responded, "are you sure?" and i said another even shorter "yes". but then we both stayed quiet for a long time. i could feel her watching me and by the time i looked up at her, i had already started crying. she got up off her wheely chair, put her hand on my shoulder and said, "you are going to be okay". then... i felt crazy. i started to smile and laugh and i said "i know, i'm excited!". She suggested i see a psychologist and referred me to one. to be honest, i probably would have made an appointment by now- only SURPRISE my insurance doesn't cover that particular doctor.








but i don't need/want doctors in my life. i am kind of scared at the clarity i've gotten in just ten days or so.




my friends won't tell me the shit that a certain friend has talked about me. they refuse to show me certain texts and or conversations they have had with this certain person because they know it will just put me in a xanax-state of mind. that's actually a really fucking good idea! i know people are loaded with horrible, bad and above all TRUE things to say about me. i don't know why i insist on hearing word for word what this person says/has said about me. it won't help me, i have just got to LET GO of negativity no matter how desperately i try to hold on to an semblance of it.



new world in my viewwwww, on my journey i pursue. they caught me running, running from the city cause i've got the new world in my viewwwww. it's so lame but songs really help a sister out and singing really loudly does too. i bathed tess today and she's mad. she doesn't wanna climb onto my bed.




I WON'T BE PUNISHED FOR LONG.