jesus christ

i am having a really bad panic attack, over the silliest things. i think i just get a lot of anxiety out of a certain situation that's been pressing deeper and further. i sorta wanna eliminate it but it would take a while, a lot of other things need to happen before this particular thing can. i sometimes feel like the rhythm of my heartbeat really changes, it actually changes. i've never known the reason why your actual organ hurts when you're heartbroken but it sure as fuck does. this shit is probably just all in my head, like the way you forget to breathe. i know how to breathe, let's go, let's go.

wow

i have never tried to be positive in my entire life. it's really fucking hard.

i don't wanna fight with friends anymore. i am in ONE fight and that's the only one i wanna be in.

like an alarm clock you can't turn off

blah blah blah and then ten minutes later BLAH.



so operation: STAY-OUT-OF-EVERYONES-FACE-SO-I-CAN-STOP-TAKING-BARS is going pretty well. i am visiting friends during the day and making sure that i come home before six. :x i am super sensitive, any little wave of emotion makes me really vulnerable. so my friends don't get to humiliate me anymore with volatile communication. i really have no room or desire to bother with that right now. i am too busy realizing awful shit i've done and feeling like shit about it. but i am feeling like shit constructively, it's not a big deal. i am working on taking responsibility for my actions but there have been so many fucked up actions... it's kinda hard to distinguish what was bar related and what wasn't.

i found two bars in my car and cried again. I CRIED OVER BARS, cause i wanted to take them super bad. i shoved them out the window and after i cried for like a minute i got really mad? and started banging on the wheel. i don't know how i fucked myself up so bad but it happened. i just gotta come back to being schelly. and hopefully there are still people waiting for me to be normal and if their aren't, i will have paid the ultimate price. and maybe now i'll know what it really feels like to be lonely, not the pseudo loneliness i've victimized myself with over the years.



today is a new day and i am taking tessie for a walk.

there's a hole in the world like a great black pit and the vermin of the world inhabit it.

I have a sinus infection. hahahahahhahaha, no surprise there. i don't know why i hadn't thought of that myself. I went to the doctor today because now my nose is stuffed and i have phlegm coupled with just about the worst sinus pressure i've ever felt.


so i walk in the examination room and nothing gives me more anxiety than waiting not inside the waiting room but inside the examination room. it drives me bananers, i don't know why... it just always has. to be in the presence of the fucking old needles people have used and cotton balls and the fucking doctor NEVER enters the room. so i am sitting there trying to explain my symptoms, all the while i am shaking my legs and talking with my hands. very common selina behavior, especially inside the examination room. when she asks me, "did you need a refill on your anti-anxiety medication". i had totally forgot that dr. melva palacios had once, last year, prescribed xanax.

i stopped dead in my tracks and almost blushed and let out a very quick "no". to which she responded, "are you sure?" and i said another even shorter "yes". but then we both stayed quiet for a long time. i could feel her watching me and by the time i looked up at her, i had already started crying. she got up off her wheely chair, put her hand on my shoulder and said, "you are going to be okay". then... i felt crazy. i started to smile and laugh and i said "i know, i'm excited!". She suggested i see a psychologist and referred me to one. to be honest, i probably would have made an appointment by now- only SURPRISE my insurance doesn't cover that particular doctor.








but i don't need/want doctors in my life. i am kind of scared at the clarity i've gotten in just ten days or so.




my friends won't tell me the shit that a certain friend has talked about me. they refuse to show me certain texts and or conversations they have had with this certain person because they know it will just put me in a xanax-state of mind. that's actually a really fucking good idea! i know people are loaded with horrible, bad and above all TRUE things to say about me. i don't know why i insist on hearing word for word what this person says/has said about me. it won't help me, i have just got to LET GO of negativity no matter how desperately i try to hold on to an semblance of it.



new world in my viewwwww, on my journey i pursue. they caught me running, running from the city cause i've got the new world in my viewwwww. it's so lame but songs really help a sister out and singing really loudly does too. i bathed tess today and she's mad. she doesn't wanna climb onto my bed.




I WON'T BE PUNISHED FOR LONG.

yellow cling

i just opened a 6 pound can of peaches in light syrup.

please don't confront me with my failuressssssss, please please do!

i'm in the stage of recovery where i am just super ashamed at all the weird/barlowed things i would do, i can only imagine how bad i looked doing it.  soooooo disgusted with myself but i am HAPPY to be.  you know what i mean?  all this shame that i tucked away and hid behind more and more bars is finally catching up to me.  i am having flashbacks of me saying i have people dicks in check?! of me needing to vomit and farting at the same time? of me making things up entirely out of nowhere? of me getting a horrible reputation as a LIAR, of me waking up in the passenger seat of my own car in some neighborhood, of me not remembering the conception of a child... which lead to an abortion, of me not being able to stay sober enough to find a fucking job so i wouldn't leave my friend hanging when i moved into her house, of me eating gross things and not even remembering the next day, of me sharing information with people that i shouldn't have, of me telling people that i loooove them AND hate them, tooo fucked up.  just tooooooooooo fucked up. 

bars are reminding me of cocaine now.  that sudden disgust i got with cocaine is what saved me.  i have to suddenly become disgusted by bars and you know? I AM.


i wanted to audition for a play yesterday at pan am.  but as i was going through some monologues from an old book i realized i am not at my acting peak right now.  i am sorta having trouble feeling anything.  and no, i am not apathetic.  i just mean.... idk.  i am having trouble placing myself in someone elses shoes, my shoes my shoes are oh so full.  with bars dancing and dancing in bars and falling four times at tejano bounce. 





i am going to be okay.

wait until your father gets home

how many times can i dream about him crushing ice into my kneecap on our way to seaworld?

i told you i was trouble,

just knocking at your door.  i can't seem to feel a thing other than pain.  today i realized i am sorta impervious to happiness or anything good, i let it slide right off of me.  it can't touch my skin, it won't stay inside, it doesn't dig deep, it just doesn't stay inside me anymore. 

this isn't about anyone or anything in particular but more about everyone and everything around me, not around me.  how did i get so far away from what i want to be? how did i get so close to becoming my fucking nightmare?

how do i stop this?

but left to hang like yarn and twine dangling before my eyes.

i can hear the breathing of a pretty boy and girl sleeping on the floor behind me, their breathing is in sync and it's making me feel a lot better right now. this is not easy, i find myself shedding tears for a lost friend in secret, while a house full of people sleep. i've been waking up early just for this special time i need for myself. a quick and quiet reminder that the pain in feel now , is the pain i've already sent out there- it's just coming back around full circle.

yesterday was my first day not taking bars. i don't know how long i am going to hold out on my first try but i am sorta hoping to find out that i am fucking super woman and that i can fucking do this. it literally hurt seeing everyone break off a half or take an entire bar yesterday. i wanted to get angry about it, until i started to remember one night that i came home and took pictures with my macbook when i was barred out. i couldn't look good, i couldn't look normal. i woke up the next day and i was shocked, like a glass of ice cold water had just been thrown in my face.




moral superiority fascinates me.







i'm not even sure that our friendship will survive this. what if i never take another bar? i don't think that will magically put everything back in order. i hate, hate, HATE to say that i think this one is severed for good. i just hope in a month or so someone will drop her a line, telling her how good i've been and for her to know that it's for her and me. to show a little fucking appreciation for an 8 year friendship, my part of mourning her is finally doing right by me.





and you tear you tear your hair from roots, from that same place you have twice removed.
now we speak in ruined tongues and the words we speak aren't meant for anyone. just a mumbled sentence to a passing acquaintance but there was once you. - i never thought that bright eyes would show up in my life again and make sense.






i wish i could wear a mask.

just as all was well.

my aforementioned friend said he read my post and that he thought it was nice and hoped i meant it. cause i've said things of that nature before but never followed through until last night.

but unfortunately, this evening a dear DEAR dear friend of mine told me that she no longer wanted to know me. I am so crushed and heartbroken. I've never imagined that she would choose to no longer be on my side. the weight on her shoulders, the shell around her that i created was crushing her. and i let another friend whom i care deeply for, slip through my fingers. she hasn't been very proud of me these last couple of months, i've been at my worst.

the worst part of the situation is i'm someone else now. i have to fully engage in the fact that recently, i've been a bar-monster. i've been going out non-stop for about 6 weeks now. my friends and i usually have the best time, but what some of my friends don't have in common with me is my abuse/love for xanax. this entire 6 week period has been dripping with bars from the ceiling. you know... like having a crack in your roof and you're knee deep in water without knowing where it's coming from.

I carry with me this horrible, horrible little human inside me that's a jealous, addictive, mean, cruel, BITTER and vicious animal. the animal that most of us have inside. but when i take bars which are always like [two or three, recently i took five] that little monster creeps its way out. it disrespects me, embarrasses me and makes me the night's entertainment. the silly, drunk, stumbler of the evening, thank you very much. i discovered this little monster tonight. i thought "sure i am a crazy asshole sometimes aren't we all?"- that's what i'd tell myself to keep the big scary evil at bay. but the key is to suppress it and have tact whenever i do want to let that monster out. even if it's in public or a private conversation.

so now that that's explained... there are other complications arising from my drug abuse. just recently, i would have sworn on my life that i got into this huge fight with a friend and that he had kicked me out of his house. so i went around my usual crowd of friends, telling them how i was "sooooooo fucked up" and it was "sooo badass". and none of it, not a word happened : [

it actually gave me goosebumps to write that. i fabricated a story out of thin air... nothing even closely related happened. in fact, my friend let me know i was very polite though extremely "barred out". is that not the scariest thing you've heard?

i hit a very high peak on thursday and this tuesday morning i am experiencing the lows. well, one of my friends seems to have a small amount of faith left in me.

but the friend i spoke of earlier, whose shoulders were crushing... she can't bear it anymore. she's an entirely different being also. she's my friend. i can't say it any other way that she is my best friend. she is amazing, she has flaws, she's everything. i've known her for so long, we sing songs together, she makes me walk when she knows i hate it, she makes me delicious food, introduced me to her awesome family, carried me inside on bars when i was passed on on concrete in front of a lot of people, met my crazy ass mother, hates my sister : D, hates my dog hahaha, makes me laugh harder than i ever have before. to think that i'll never get to smell her coconut oil hands and clothing perfumed in teatree oil, or taste of curry and delicious cookies makes me crumble inside.

i don't know how i could have done what i did to her for so long. she has a baby and struggles of her own, there is no way i don't understand why she doesn't want me in her life. i've been this incredible, incredible source of negative energy for a long time. almost black hole like. and now since the drug use has gotten worse... it's like watching me rot from the inside out. AND coupled with the making stories up and lying to her. she's convinced that i lie about everything. she even asked me if my friend from mexico was real. something that brought me to tears because how could i have let that happen.... how could i let my best friend doubt me in such a profound way that she thinks i would make a person up? I get a literal pain in my chest thinking about it. she told me my excuses were laughable and laughed at me. she has never done that before, she also called me an asshole and was being sarcastic and highly agitated the whole time. the way that she treats someone she really doesn't like... she was being cruel. i've known her for long enough to know that she's really really pissed off at me. so yeah, i'm fucking without a doubt crushed right now.

NOW! the more pressing topic. how the fuck am i gonna deal with this blow? I've cried talking to a friend of mine about it, i cried in the shower and i cried during this blog. I have drank one beer and smoked tobacco. what am i going to do when i wake up from all of this? i swear it feels like a dream, like i am gonna wake up from this. but this is my reality right now and it makes my heart beat fucking faster every time i think of that.

it will be a day-to-day struggle. i feel like she had a BULLSHIT expiration date and i gave her just about enough.

sadly enough, this is what i need. for the people closest to me to say I'VE HAD ENOUGH. because i don't want to be with her or alone. i'm already so fucking lonely in a room full of people, the actual manifestation of being alone would be too much to bare.

so this is what i've been doing:

i need to sing my range. yesterday i was only able to hit 5 octaves [which in my case makes me an alto] but usually i am a 6 octave range [which makes me a mezzo-soprano] i'm worried about that.

theater?!

wow. new year, same old selina.

i am amazing myself lately with my ridiculous behavior.

i am solving nothing, nothing, nothing. trying to get someone to feel as badly about themselves as i do but this person feels nothing.

i've been thinking a lot about forgiveness and what it means to me. i believe that i am truly incapable of it, in certain circumstances. i forgive and i don't forget- but is that really forgiveness? i choose to let certain people back into my life so that i can be friendly when i wanna be and be a mean, nasty person whenever i feel like it. AND the excuse is always that i am still mad about the old shit. i can lose my temper whenever i want because of something i've already supposedly forgiven that person for. right?

wrong. i really, really didn't think that i was delusional. which i guess is part of actually being delusional. i didn't think that i was in a relationship with that person [though all my friends agree that i treated this person as if we were] i don't want to be his girlfriend. what i do what however, is to keep him miserable.

so this person that i speak of was having some issues with his friends. and they would all talk shit about him, literally we'd have at least a 10-30 minute conversation about this person and it would all be bad talk and half of me loved it, while the other half of me hated it. i wanted to stay true to this person and be his friend but at the same time i was loving the fact that he was suffering- and that kind of evil that lives and harbors inside of me scared me.

i couldn't believe that i was enjoying the fact that people didn't want him around anymore. i was also enjoying the fact that i was one of the few that still spoke to him. manipulative much?

my entire reaction and disposition was so hateful and twisted. i almost felt like i was addicted to this person. the high i would get whenever i he was around, the high i would get keeping it a secret from my friends that i still wanted him around, the pain and literal withdraw i felt when he wasn't around... all very very sickening.

many many times i had come to the decision of not speaking to that person anymore because i couldn't handle myself around them. but a week would roll around and i would literally be fiending to talk to him. until, thursday night.

thursday night i embarrassed myself and him by yelling at him in a club, throwing peanuts at him and getting kicked out. i really didn't think it was that big of a deal... but what kind of friendship is that? not a normal one... not one that he wants anymore. HE had to make the decision because i wasn't strong enough to do it on my own. he officially called it off and said that he didn't want to see me for a while and needed a break from my ridiculousness.

and those were entirely valid points. but then he went as far as to say that when i was drunk/barred i became a sexual deviant? i don't know that i agreed with all his points, particularly that one.

okay! so the point is i got the new world in my view. now that i don't have much of choice... i think it's going to be easier for me to actually move on. not just pretend but ACTUALLY do it.

so i got to thinking about the new world and the new year i wanna live in. and it's mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine. i am buying fabric this morning and am gonna make a friend of mind a dress and do some other creative things, i'm gonna pick up my camera and do creative things with that... get involved in the arts that i love again. get over the silly stuff and keep busy.

this living inside of my brain thing does not work for me. for years i felt like i was rotting from the inside out. some people could tell the general sadness i usually carried around with me. i don't want to be that person anymore. i want to be confident, i want to respect myself and above all i want to love myself. the problem is... it's been so long since i haven't i don't even know where to start.

what i've decided is that respecting yourself and loving yourself is a day-to-day struggle. every moment, every decision has to be made with my best interest at heart. so that's it, that's how i will begin this crazy, obscure journey to self-respect. i just hope i get there. i am not even half the girl i used to be.

2010 is the year i get me back.