i can hear the breathing of a pretty boy and girl sleeping on the floor behind me, their breathing is in sync and it's making me feel a lot better right now. this is not easy, i find myself shedding tears for a lost friend in secret, while a house full of people sleep. i've been waking up early just for this special time i need for myself. a quick and quiet reminder that the pain in feel now , is the pain i've already sent out there- it's just coming back around full circle.
yesterday was my first day not taking bars. i don't know how long i am going to hold out on my first try but i am sorta hoping to find out that i am fucking super woman and that i can fucking do this. it literally hurt seeing everyone break off a half or take an entire bar yesterday. i wanted to get angry about it, until i started to remember one night that i came home and took pictures with my macbook when i was barred out. i couldn't look good, i couldn't look normal. i woke up the next day and i was shocked, like a glass of ice cold water had just been thrown in my face.
moral superiority fascinates me.
i'm not even sure that our friendship will survive this. what if i never take another bar? i don't think that will magically put everything back in order. i hate, hate, HATE to say that i think this one is severed for good. i just hope in a month or so someone will drop her a line, telling her how good i've been and for her to know that it's for her and me. to show a little fucking appreciation for an 8 year friendship, my part of mourning her is finally doing right by me.
and you tear you tear your hair from roots, from that same place you have twice removed.
now we speak in ruined tongues and the words we speak aren't meant for anyone. just a mumbled sentence to a passing acquaintance but there was once you. - i never thought that bright eyes would show up in my life again and make sense.
i wish i could wear a mask.
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