MARCH-eyes.

i plan on not seeing anyone in a party-like environment until march. not literally MARCH FIRST but somewhere around there. i've committed to being 60 days off of bars until i can go out again. its just something i said i would do... and i wanna do it.


i find it so strange that i can lie to myself, break promises to myself; seemingly, i stop myself from doing anything good. so why can't i stop myself from doing something bad? the break i've had from the outside world is hurting me. i feel paranoid and like i have to watch my back, i need to let go of that. i need deal with being ashamed of myself, it's not easy.

this first month off of bars has been a huge blur. the first couple week or so i would have extraordinary dreams that were repeats of things i've ALREADY DONE and they were nightmares. isn't that hilarious? nightmares of me doing things.... that i've actually already done. slight things were altered but for the most part, i already dealt with all of that. or i THOUGHT i dealt with it... i was too barred out to know what i was doing. so i feel like my brain has stored this creepy shit, waiting for a sober opportunity to deal with it. cause after all, nothing goes unpunished.

jesus christ

i am having a really bad panic attack, over the silliest things. i think i just get a lot of anxiety out of a certain situation that's been pressing deeper and further. i sorta wanna eliminate it but it would take a while, a lot of other things need to happen before this particular thing can. i sometimes feel like the rhythm of my heartbeat really changes, it actually changes. i've never known the reason why your actual organ hurts when you're heartbroken but it sure as fuck does. this shit is probably just all in my head, like the way you forget to breathe. i know how to breathe, let's go, let's go.

wow

i have never tried to be positive in my entire life. it's really fucking hard.

i don't wanna fight with friends anymore. i am in ONE fight and that's the only one i wanna be in.

like an alarm clock you can't turn off

blah blah blah and then ten minutes later BLAH.



so operation: STAY-OUT-OF-EVERYONES-FACE-SO-I-CAN-STOP-TAKING-BARS is going pretty well. i am visiting friends during the day and making sure that i come home before six. :x i am super sensitive, any little wave of emotion makes me really vulnerable. so my friends don't get to humiliate me anymore with volatile communication. i really have no room or desire to bother with that right now. i am too busy realizing awful shit i've done and feeling like shit about it. but i am feeling like shit constructively, it's not a big deal. i am working on taking responsibility for my actions but there have been so many fucked up actions... it's kinda hard to distinguish what was bar related and what wasn't.

i found two bars in my car and cried again. I CRIED OVER BARS, cause i wanted to take them super bad. i shoved them out the window and after i cried for like a minute i got really mad? and started banging on the wheel. i don't know how i fucked myself up so bad but it happened. i just gotta come back to being schelly. and hopefully there are still people waiting for me to be normal and if their aren't, i will have paid the ultimate price. and maybe now i'll know what it really feels like to be lonely, not the pseudo loneliness i've victimized myself with over the years.



today is a new day and i am taking tessie for a walk.

there's a hole in the world like a great black pit and the vermin of the world inhabit it.

I have a sinus infection. hahahahahhahaha, no surprise there. i don't know why i hadn't thought of that myself. I went to the doctor today because now my nose is stuffed and i have phlegm coupled with just about the worst sinus pressure i've ever felt.


so i walk in the examination room and nothing gives me more anxiety than waiting not inside the waiting room but inside the examination room. it drives me bananers, i don't know why... it just always has. to be in the presence of the fucking old needles people have used and cotton balls and the fucking doctor NEVER enters the room. so i am sitting there trying to explain my symptoms, all the while i am shaking my legs and talking with my hands. very common selina behavior, especially inside the examination room. when she asks me, "did you need a refill on your anti-anxiety medication". i had totally forgot that dr. melva palacios had once, last year, prescribed xanax.

i stopped dead in my tracks and almost blushed and let out a very quick "no". to which she responded, "are you sure?" and i said another even shorter "yes". but then we both stayed quiet for a long time. i could feel her watching me and by the time i looked up at her, i had already started crying. she got up off her wheely chair, put her hand on my shoulder and said, "you are going to be okay". then... i felt crazy. i started to smile and laugh and i said "i know, i'm excited!". She suggested i see a psychologist and referred me to one. to be honest, i probably would have made an appointment by now- only SURPRISE my insurance doesn't cover that particular doctor.








but i don't need/want doctors in my life. i am kind of scared at the clarity i've gotten in just ten days or so.




my friends won't tell me the shit that a certain friend has talked about me. they refuse to show me certain texts and or conversations they have had with this certain person because they know it will just put me in a xanax-state of mind. that's actually a really fucking good idea! i know people are loaded with horrible, bad and above all TRUE things to say about me. i don't know why i insist on hearing word for word what this person says/has said about me. it won't help me, i have just got to LET GO of negativity no matter how desperately i try to hold on to an semblance of it.



new world in my viewwwww, on my journey i pursue. they caught me running, running from the city cause i've got the new world in my viewwwww. it's so lame but songs really help a sister out and singing really loudly does too. i bathed tess today and she's mad. she doesn't wanna climb onto my bed.




I WON'T BE PUNISHED FOR LONG.

yellow cling

i just opened a 6 pound can of peaches in light syrup.

please don't confront me with my failuressssssss, please please do!

i'm in the stage of recovery where i am just super ashamed at all the weird/barlowed things i would do, i can only imagine how bad i looked doing it.  soooooo disgusted with myself but i am HAPPY to be.  you know what i mean?  all this shame that i tucked away and hid behind more and more bars is finally catching up to me.  i am having flashbacks of me saying i have people dicks in check?! of me needing to vomit and farting at the same time? of me making things up entirely out of nowhere? of me getting a horrible reputation as a LIAR, of me waking up in the passenger seat of my own car in some neighborhood, of me not remembering the conception of a child... which lead to an abortion, of me not being able to stay sober enough to find a fucking job so i wouldn't leave my friend hanging when i moved into her house, of me eating gross things and not even remembering the next day, of me sharing information with people that i shouldn't have, of me telling people that i loooove them AND hate them, tooo fucked up.  just tooooooooooo fucked up. 

bars are reminding me of cocaine now.  that sudden disgust i got with cocaine is what saved me.  i have to suddenly become disgusted by bars and you know? I AM.


i wanted to audition for a play yesterday at pan am.  but as i was going through some monologues from an old book i realized i am not at my acting peak right now.  i am sorta having trouble feeling anything.  and no, i am not apathetic.  i just mean.... idk.  i am having trouble placing myself in someone elses shoes, my shoes my shoes are oh so full.  with bars dancing and dancing in bars and falling four times at tejano bounce. 





i am going to be okay.