MARCH-eyes.

i plan on not seeing anyone in a party-like environment until march. not literally MARCH FIRST but somewhere around there. i've committed to being 60 days off of bars until i can go out again. its just something i said i would do... and i wanna do it.


i find it so strange that i can lie to myself, break promises to myself; seemingly, i stop myself from doing anything good. so why can't i stop myself from doing something bad? the break i've had from the outside world is hurting me. i feel paranoid and like i have to watch my back, i need to let go of that. i need deal with being ashamed of myself, it's not easy.

this first month off of bars has been a huge blur. the first couple week or so i would have extraordinary dreams that were repeats of things i've ALREADY DONE and they were nightmares. isn't that hilarious? nightmares of me doing things.... that i've actually already done. slight things were altered but for the most part, i already dealt with all of that. or i THOUGHT i dealt with it... i was too barred out to know what i was doing. so i feel like my brain has stored this creepy shit, waiting for a sober opportunity to deal with it. cause after all, nothing goes unpunished.