i'm in the stage of recovery where i am just super ashamed at all the weird/barlowed things i would do, i can only imagine how bad i looked doing it. soooooo disgusted with myself but i am HAPPY to be. you know what i mean? all this shame that i tucked away and hid behind more and more bars is finally catching up to me. i am having flashbacks of me saying i have people dicks in check?! of me needing to vomit and farting at the same time? of me making things up entirely out of nowhere? of me getting a horrible reputation as a LIAR, of me waking up in the passenger seat of my own car in some neighborhood, of me not remembering the conception of a child... which lead to an abortion, of me not being able to stay sober enough to find a fucking job so i wouldn't leave my friend hanging when i moved into her house, of me eating gross things and not even remembering the next day, of me sharing information with people that i shouldn't have, of me telling people that i loooove them AND hate them, tooo fucked up. just tooooooooooo fucked up.
bars are reminding me of cocaine now. that sudden disgust i got with cocaine is what saved me. i have to suddenly become disgusted by bars and you know? I AM.
i wanted to audition for a play yesterday at pan am. but as i was going through some monologues from an old book i realized i am not at my acting peak right now. i am sorta having trouble feeling anything. and no, i am not apathetic. i just mean.... idk. i am having trouble placing myself in someone elses shoes, my shoes my shoes are oh so full. with bars dancing and dancing in bars and falling four times at tejano bounce.
i am going to be okay.
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