i don't even know which way is up. i want to stop being punished for things i did, for how stupid i acted. i can't control this anymore- i feel like a lot of my fucking energy goes into trying to cover up my tracks and move on... when i am not doing that i am dwelling, being plagued and getting eaten away; being half the fucking person that i am.
i am trying to escape myself but so far the only way i've tried to escape it is running away. there are other ways to escape and eventually no matter how hard i try i am going to have to choose an alternative way. i am running out of people to run to, everyone knows me. this is getting harder and harder.
i am watching the episode of the sopranos where christopher's film "cleaver" is released a fucking gangster zombie movie with the antagonist character being modeled after tony soprano.
devanee showed me a video of me on the last day i hung out with sofia. i am miserable and mortified. how could she not? i mean... how on earth was i? i don't even know how to continue these questions to myself. the way i look and sound, the shit i am doing- it's fucking sick. i am fucking sick. it hasn't been long enough for me to forgive myself. i do not forgive myself. and if i haven't been able to do that, i shouldn't expect forgiveness from anyone else. i want it so bad, i want it nowwwwww. the truth of the matter is, i don't think i am gonna get it. i think people have washed their hands clean of me, that's okay. i get it.
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