Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
dear guy who knocked me up,
you fucking WISH i was making it up. but actually, that's the only thing i know has happened to me in the last 3 1/2 years, one of the only things i know is fucking real.
my friend from mexico is also not fake. he's not even a really good friend nor have a mentioned him to any of YOU sick sons of assholes.
my friend from mexico is also not fake. he's not even a really good friend nor have a mentioned him to any of YOU sick sons of assholes.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
WHEW
the over-reaction queen of the world is still me :D last night while i was writing that blog i was screaming and crying. i felt like someone beat me up and pulled my heart out of my face.
but it's really something very silly. i know thiiiis. i also know that the person upsetting me is a monster, a complete and total scary monster. i really, REALLY have to let go of this shit. but i react suuuuuper uncontrollably. but you know what? now it's under control and things are fucking okay. he is not gonna rain on the parade that is MAH LYFE.
los angeles anyone?
but it's really something very silly. i know thiiiis. i also know that the person upsetting me is a monster, a complete and total scary monster. i really, REALLY have to let go of this shit. but i react suuuuuper uncontrollably. but you know what? now it's under control and things are fucking okay. he is not gonna rain on the parade that is MAH LYFE.
los angeles anyone?
Monday, April 19, 2010
it seems hilarious to think that i was writing such a fucking sapping blog entry about loving people... and seeing the good in people and exposing myself like that. i know better than that, i should hope that by now i know better than that.
i am completely shocked at how easily i am set back. it makes me think that i never really got anywhere in the first place... how can i have such a flimsy fucking grasp on happiness. the truth is i don't know if i will ever survive my sadness, i can't keep my head above water. i'm happy to know that now i am at least trying everyday to make it better, but the sadness comes back in rare form. it's so strong, i haven't learned how to overcome it.
it's just hard sometimes. but it's okay, it has to be okay now.
i am completely shocked at how easily i am set back. it makes me think that i never really got anywhere in the first place... how can i have such a flimsy fucking grasp on happiness. the truth is i don't know if i will ever survive my sadness, i can't keep my head above water. i'm happy to know that now i am at least trying everyday to make it better, but the sadness comes back in rare form. it's so strong, i haven't learned how to overcome it.
it's just hard sometimes. but it's okay, it has to be okay now.
party monster
my life is pretty fucking smooth right now. i don't have much to worry about and a lot to look forward to. i don't know what made me think that being negative was smart and savvy and would get me anywhere. turn the knob just a hair to the right and i can hear the radio station loud and clear.
i'm still pretty hard on people inside of my brain, i am still hard on myself but there is something different going on. i think i am learning how to accept people and respect them, actually see the good qualities they have. and the same can be said for myself, i am focusing on the good things i feel and desperately trying to let go of little demons trying to hold me down.
they pop up in my life everyday, these little bloodsucking demon fuckers that want me to self destruct.
i went to a party last night and it turned out to be such an interesting night. i went from crying to laughing so hard i cried.
i guess i have a phobia of men.
i have a reason to be afraid. there was this drunk TEK? frat guy that was the scariest thing i've seen in a while. he was clearly drunk and i don't mind the hitting on my friends, i don't mind the trying to get it. i don't mind if they do get it. this guy was doing the drunk thing where you put your arm around someone really low on their back... and start touching their legs... like grazing them with his hands. he felt so fucking entitled, like cause his dick wanted it... it was his. there was no thought about her, none at all. he was directly staring at her body, fucking creeping me the fuck out.
what made it worse is it got really bad at a point, he pulled a chair next to her and started talking really closely to her face all the while doing the fucking hands on her body shit. and NO ONE said anything. she was surrounded by her friends, including me. and we did nothing. i was scared, so angry... but scared. the moment of truth and i cowered. i consider myself outspoken in lots of aspects but i just watched horrified. finally the birthday boy took her inside while the rest of his frat brothers decided it was time for him to leave.
i was really disappointed in what had happen and in myself for not being able to speak up. i ended up crying quite a bit about it. i don't really know how to explain it or if i need to... but it was really terrifying to see him stumbling around and slobbering and putting his hands on people. he looked so strong to, i was afraid of his strength. and what he could do, what i believe he could do.
i know this isn't partial to men. women are strong and women could easily sexually assault someone. not all men scare me, clearly... but it's just men. also, clearly, some women scare me but not nearly as significantly as men do.
so it looks like my credit is getting cleared up and i am getting closer to being able to get a loan for los angeles. i am so excited to act and learn about the craft and continue my voice lessons there! i can't stop smiling whenever i think about it hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahaha
i've been obsessed with the color fushia, chola makeup and hair [more than usual] and plum lipstick will i ever really wear plum lipstick... i don't know. i hope to god that i do.
i'm still pretty hard on people inside of my brain, i am still hard on myself but there is something different going on. i think i am learning how to accept people and respect them, actually see the good qualities they have. and the same can be said for myself, i am focusing on the good things i feel and desperately trying to let go of little demons trying to hold me down.
they pop up in my life everyday, these little bloodsucking demon fuckers that want me to self destruct.
i went to a party last night and it turned out to be such an interesting night. i went from crying to laughing so hard i cried.
i guess i have a phobia of men.
i have a reason to be afraid. there was this drunk TEK? frat guy that was the scariest thing i've seen in a while. he was clearly drunk and i don't mind the hitting on my friends, i don't mind the trying to get it. i don't mind if they do get it. this guy was doing the drunk thing where you put your arm around someone really low on their back... and start touching their legs... like grazing them with his hands. he felt so fucking entitled, like cause his dick wanted it... it was his. there was no thought about her, none at all. he was directly staring at her body, fucking creeping me the fuck out.
what made it worse is it got really bad at a point, he pulled a chair next to her and started talking really closely to her face all the while doing the fucking hands on her body shit. and NO ONE said anything. she was surrounded by her friends, including me. and we did nothing. i was scared, so angry... but scared. the moment of truth and i cowered. i consider myself outspoken in lots of aspects but i just watched horrified. finally the birthday boy took her inside while the rest of his frat brothers decided it was time for him to leave.
i was really disappointed in what had happen and in myself for not being able to speak up. i ended up crying quite a bit about it. i don't really know how to explain it or if i need to... but it was really terrifying to see him stumbling around and slobbering and putting his hands on people. he looked so strong to, i was afraid of his strength. and what he could do, what i believe he could do.
i know this isn't partial to men. women are strong and women could easily sexually assault someone. not all men scare me, clearly... but it's just men. also, clearly, some women scare me but not nearly as significantly as men do.
so it looks like my credit is getting cleared up and i am getting closer to being able to get a loan for los angeles. i am so excited to act and learn about the craft and continue my voice lessons there! i can't stop smiling whenever i think about it hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahaha
i've been obsessed with the color fushia, chola makeup and hair [more than usual] and plum lipstick will i ever really wear plum lipstick... i don't know. i hope to god that i do.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
i am tired of being overwhelmed
i don't know why i can't just properly handle things.
I've been TRIPPING out all morning, that's such a lie cause i just woke up. but i know what i mean :x haha
i don't want to overreact about bars anymore. when i first stopped taking bars... i could be around people who barred out and they served as inspiration for me not to. but i'm stupid and not strong in the slightest and that shit doesn't fly anymore. i am SOMEWHAT envious of barred out people, really angry mostly. angry, partially at myself because i wanna have little to no reaction to bars.
YOU KNOW, i find myself saying i want little to no reaction to alot of things. camel, bars, the queen of my world, my mom...
the truth of the matter is i react very highly. i am a highly reactive person, i shouldn't be so anxious to change that shit. i give a fuck, i am volatile and excited. i have to stand for something, because i've been falling for everything.
idk what this is about.
I've been TRIPPING out all morning, that's such a lie cause i just woke up. but i know what i mean :x haha
i don't want to overreact about bars anymore. when i first stopped taking bars... i could be around people who barred out and they served as inspiration for me not to. but i'm stupid and not strong in the slightest and that shit doesn't fly anymore. i am SOMEWHAT envious of barred out people, really angry mostly. angry, partially at myself because i wanna have little to no reaction to bars.
YOU KNOW, i find myself saying i want little to no reaction to alot of things. camel, bars, the queen of my world, my mom...
the truth of the matter is i react very highly. i am a highly reactive person, i shouldn't be so anxious to change that shit. i give a fuck, i am volatile and excited. i have to stand for something, because i've been falling for everything.
idk what this is about.
Friday, April 2, 2010
tessie barks shrilly
the art walk is today, there is some event at ambiente today. i am not entirely interested in either one but i plan on attending both.
i've really been trying to capture a positive attitude. but an ACTUAL positive attitude. it takes constant work and effort on my part but it's okay. i can be so emotionally lazy sometimes that i'd rather be neggy cause it comes easier and is more natural for me. today i thought about the great personality traits my friends [and sometimes non-friends] possess. i don't have to be everyone's friend, people can find me annoying... it's OKAY. i can still appreciate them for being funny and admire them for having beats in their heads louder than their hearts. i can be so emotional and sensitive sometimes but i think that is what makes me so interested in manipulating human emotions and having an emotional imagination. i am all stella adlered out.
i have a new life plan, which is move to los angeles.
there are a few things i have to do here in order to make it possible. I need to pay off some SERIOUS debt. dudes, i made some major financial fuck ups that i need to take care of.
I owe on two separate accounts to chase bank around: $1000
I owe to STC's credit card progam around: $200
I owe some crazy law office that wants to sue me: $700
I owe the city of Port Isabel: $400
---all of these debts make me a UNDESIRABLE candidate for a loan. and i am gonna need a BIGGIE loan to move. like... such a huge one. i am thinking about two or three sets of $25,000. the hard part was getting accepted! i am SO glad that i did.
i know i am right now though. i've always known in my heart that i am an actor but now it is cemented in by the fact that someone who studied under stella adler herself accepted me into the school. her understanding of performance art is probably the best for me. i am somewhere between using the stella adler technique and method acting. which is like saying that you are black and white [the colors not the ethnicities]. stella adler uses her IMAGINATION to make things real, she doesn't believe in pulling from an actor's own personal experience. she is true to the direct form of acting... which is bringing your emotions out of thin air. out of what you know and what you've felt and what you can imagine. it's the truest and oldest form of acting and in my opinion is the sincerest form of acting. :D
i am looking forward to my lifeee.
i've really been trying to capture a positive attitude. but an ACTUAL positive attitude. it takes constant work and effort on my part but it's okay. i can be so emotionally lazy sometimes that i'd rather be neggy cause it comes easier and is more natural for me. today i thought about the great personality traits my friends [and sometimes non-friends] possess. i don't have to be everyone's friend, people can find me annoying... it's OKAY. i can still appreciate them for being funny and admire them for having beats in their heads louder than their hearts. i can be so emotional and sensitive sometimes but i think that is what makes me so interested in manipulating human emotions and having an emotional imagination. i am all stella adlered out.
i have a new life plan, which is move to los angeles.
there are a few things i have to do here in order to make it possible. I need to pay off some SERIOUS debt. dudes, i made some major financial fuck ups that i need to take care of.
I owe on two separate accounts to chase bank around: $1000
I owe to STC's credit card progam around: $200
I owe some crazy law office that wants to sue me: $700
I owe the city of Port Isabel: $400
---all of these debts make me a UNDESIRABLE candidate for a loan. and i am gonna need a BIGGIE loan to move. like... such a huge one. i am thinking about two or three sets of $25,000. the hard part was getting accepted! i am SO glad that i did.
i know i am right now though. i've always known in my heart that i am an actor but now it is cemented in by the fact that someone who studied under stella adler herself accepted me into the school. her understanding of performance art is probably the best for me. i am somewhere between using the stella adler technique and method acting. which is like saying that you are black and white [the colors not the ethnicities]. stella adler uses her IMAGINATION to make things real, she doesn't believe in pulling from an actor's own personal experience. she is true to the direct form of acting... which is bringing your emotions out of thin air. out of what you know and what you've felt and what you can imagine. it's the truest and oldest form of acting and in my opinion is the sincerest form of acting. :D
i am looking forward to my lifeee.
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