like an alarm clock you can't turn off

blah blah blah and then ten minutes later BLAH.



so operation: STAY-OUT-OF-EVERYONES-FACE-SO-I-CAN-STOP-TAKING-BARS is going pretty well. i am visiting friends during the day and making sure that i come home before six. :x i am super sensitive, any little wave of emotion makes me really vulnerable. so my friends don't get to humiliate me anymore with volatile communication. i really have no room or desire to bother with that right now. i am too busy realizing awful shit i've done and feeling like shit about it. but i am feeling like shit constructively, it's not a big deal. i am working on taking responsibility for my actions but there have been so many fucked up actions... it's kinda hard to distinguish what was bar related and what wasn't.

i found two bars in my car and cried again. I CRIED OVER BARS, cause i wanted to take them super bad. i shoved them out the window and after i cried for like a minute i got really mad? and started banging on the wheel. i don't know how i fucked myself up so bad but it happened. i just gotta come back to being schelly. and hopefully there are still people waiting for me to be normal and if their aren't, i will have paid the ultimate price. and maybe now i'll know what it really feels like to be lonely, not the pseudo loneliness i've victimized myself with over the years.



today is a new day and i am taking tessie for a walk.