i told you i was trouble,

just knocking at your door.  i can't seem to feel a thing other than pain.  today i realized i am sorta impervious to happiness or anything good, i let it slide right off of me.  it can't touch my skin, it won't stay inside, it doesn't dig deep, it just doesn't stay inside me anymore. 

this isn't about anyone or anything in particular but more about everyone and everything around me, not around me.  how did i get so far away from what i want to be? how did i get so close to becoming my fucking nightmare?

how do i stop this?

but left to hang like yarn and twine dangling before my eyes.

i can hear the breathing of a pretty boy and girl sleeping on the floor behind me, their breathing is in sync and it's making me feel a lot better right now. this is not easy, i find myself shedding tears for a lost friend in secret, while a house full of people sleep. i've been waking up early just for this special time i need for myself. a quick and quiet reminder that the pain in feel now , is the pain i've already sent out there- it's just coming back around full circle.

yesterday was my first day not taking bars. i don't know how long i am going to hold out on my first try but i am sorta hoping to find out that i am fucking super woman and that i can fucking do this. it literally hurt seeing everyone break off a half or take an entire bar yesterday. i wanted to get angry about it, until i started to remember one night that i came home and took pictures with my macbook when i was barred out. i couldn't look good, i couldn't look normal. i woke up the next day and i was shocked, like a glass of ice cold water had just been thrown in my face.




moral superiority fascinates me.







i'm not even sure that our friendship will survive this. what if i never take another bar? i don't think that will magically put everything back in order. i hate, hate, HATE to say that i think this one is severed for good. i just hope in a month or so someone will drop her a line, telling her how good i've been and for her to know that it's for her and me. to show a little fucking appreciation for an 8 year friendship, my part of mourning her is finally doing right by me.





and you tear you tear your hair from roots, from that same place you have twice removed.
now we speak in ruined tongues and the words we speak aren't meant for anyone. just a mumbled sentence to a passing acquaintance but there was once you. - i never thought that bright eyes would show up in my life again and make sense.






i wish i could wear a mask.

just as all was well.

my aforementioned friend said he read my post and that he thought it was nice and hoped i meant it. cause i've said things of that nature before but never followed through until last night.

but unfortunately, this evening a dear DEAR dear friend of mine told me that she no longer wanted to know me. I am so crushed and heartbroken. I've never imagined that she would choose to no longer be on my side. the weight on her shoulders, the shell around her that i created was crushing her. and i let another friend whom i care deeply for, slip through my fingers. she hasn't been very proud of me these last couple of months, i've been at my worst.

the worst part of the situation is i'm someone else now. i have to fully engage in the fact that recently, i've been a bar-monster. i've been going out non-stop for about 6 weeks now. my friends and i usually have the best time, but what some of my friends don't have in common with me is my abuse/love for xanax. this entire 6 week period has been dripping with bars from the ceiling. you know... like having a crack in your roof and you're knee deep in water without knowing where it's coming from.

I carry with me this horrible, horrible little human inside me that's a jealous, addictive, mean, cruel, BITTER and vicious animal. the animal that most of us have inside. but when i take bars which are always like [two or three, recently i took five] that little monster creeps its way out. it disrespects me, embarrasses me and makes me the night's entertainment. the silly, drunk, stumbler of the evening, thank you very much. i discovered this little monster tonight. i thought "sure i am a crazy asshole sometimes aren't we all?"- that's what i'd tell myself to keep the big scary evil at bay. but the key is to suppress it and have tact whenever i do want to let that monster out. even if it's in public or a private conversation.

so now that that's explained... there are other complications arising from my drug abuse. just recently, i would have sworn on my life that i got into this huge fight with a friend and that he had kicked me out of his house. so i went around my usual crowd of friends, telling them how i was "sooooooo fucked up" and it was "sooo badass". and none of it, not a word happened : [

it actually gave me goosebumps to write that. i fabricated a story out of thin air... nothing even closely related happened. in fact, my friend let me know i was very polite though extremely "barred out". is that not the scariest thing you've heard?

i hit a very high peak on thursday and this tuesday morning i am experiencing the lows. well, one of my friends seems to have a small amount of faith left in me.

but the friend i spoke of earlier, whose shoulders were crushing... she can't bear it anymore. she's an entirely different being also. she's my friend. i can't say it any other way that she is my best friend. she is amazing, she has flaws, she's everything. i've known her for so long, we sing songs together, she makes me walk when she knows i hate it, she makes me delicious food, introduced me to her awesome family, carried me inside on bars when i was passed on on concrete in front of a lot of people, met my crazy ass mother, hates my sister : D, hates my dog hahaha, makes me laugh harder than i ever have before. to think that i'll never get to smell her coconut oil hands and clothing perfumed in teatree oil, or taste of curry and delicious cookies makes me crumble inside.

i don't know how i could have done what i did to her for so long. she has a baby and struggles of her own, there is no way i don't understand why she doesn't want me in her life. i've been this incredible, incredible source of negative energy for a long time. almost black hole like. and now since the drug use has gotten worse... it's like watching me rot from the inside out. AND coupled with the making stories up and lying to her. she's convinced that i lie about everything. she even asked me if my friend from mexico was real. something that brought me to tears because how could i have let that happen.... how could i let my best friend doubt me in such a profound way that she thinks i would make a person up? I get a literal pain in my chest thinking about it. she told me my excuses were laughable and laughed at me. she has never done that before, she also called me an asshole and was being sarcastic and highly agitated the whole time. the way that she treats someone she really doesn't like... she was being cruel. i've known her for long enough to know that she's really really pissed off at me. so yeah, i'm fucking without a doubt crushed right now.

NOW! the more pressing topic. how the fuck am i gonna deal with this blow? I've cried talking to a friend of mine about it, i cried in the shower and i cried during this blog. I have drank one beer and smoked tobacco. what am i going to do when i wake up from all of this? i swear it feels like a dream, like i am gonna wake up from this. but this is my reality right now and it makes my heart beat fucking faster every time i think of that.

it will be a day-to-day struggle. i feel like she had a BULLSHIT expiration date and i gave her just about enough.

sadly enough, this is what i need. for the people closest to me to say I'VE HAD ENOUGH. because i don't want to be with her or alone. i'm already so fucking lonely in a room full of people, the actual manifestation of being alone would be too much to bare.

so this is what i've been doing:

i need to sing my range. yesterday i was only able to hit 5 octaves [which in my case makes me an alto] but usually i am a 6 octave range [which makes me a mezzo-soprano] i'm worried about that.

theater?!