Wednesday, March 31, 2010
harlow-kitty, enormi-kitty
ugh. i hate when i am backed into a corner. i am not good, it's not good. you are a fool and you will lose.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
a life without crisis
is a life i need to get used to. i need to kick back and ride the wave. i always thought that i did but, it turns out that i am just making the motions of riding the wave and all the while i've been drowning.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
dying to please.
whatever, i don't want to talk about my weird relationship with my mother. i just want to tell this story.
I've given up going to sxsw because it falls in the middle of my mother's 65th birthday, i've been running around like a chicken without a head trying to find her the PERFECT wallet. She is insistant upon a few musts: it must have a zipper as opposed to a button to close the checkbook area, it must be a dark color as she has plenty of pen-marked cream colored ones, it must be leather... for who knows what reason. so i went to target FOR MYSELF as browsed the wallets, i found an awesome little snappy one that was bright red and i liked it for me. i couldn't bear to leave the store without something mom related so i bought her this wreath of wood shavings shaped like roses, it's really pretty [she hates actual flowers]. back the wallets, i actually found one with the zipper for the checkbook! that excited me beyond belief cause i had been several places [bealls and kohls] and they simply don't exist. the color was black with a few generic looking "brand" designs on it that were grey so i figured that fit the bill. it's not leather because it's target not neiman marcus.
SO i bring it home, she's not very happy with it. i can deal with that it's OKAY! so i tell her we'll keep looking.
after getting my warrant cleared, i apply again for the census at the McAllen Chamber of Commerce... a few steps from the mall. beyond my wildest dreams, i have an urge to go to the mall and look for badass wallets. so i go to Macy's... NONE of them have the zipper checkbook thing but of course they are all leather and all overpriced. and not just overpriced slightly, well into the 300 dollar range. OMG no. i had only brought 200 hundred anyway.
i come home to find that she's put all her stuff in the target wallet. but something isn't settling well with me. her first reaction to the wallet was NO, then all of a sudden it's okay. i go into her room and ask her about it but i interrupt "bible time". i ask about it and she says in spanish that god would "punish her" if she were choosy about a wallet. to each her own, that's chill. and i'm asking her about the functions and to show me how everything looks in it. then she makes the most ANNOYING face sorta a downward smile [the rodriguez brothers are famous for this look except they don't look annoying] and she says "IT'S PRETTY ROUGH".
and i'm like "WAIT, WHAT does that mean?", she starts telling me it's tough on her hands because it's not leather and she mentions that i always buy myself nice things [the aforementioned red wallet was 8 dollars] and that i made myself a "pendeja" trying to buy her cheap things.
eh i just started to cry. i threw some fit and yelled called her an asshole, came to my room and cried. i'm thinking that i really want her to like me now. i am thinking that i want her to like ME. not my room being clean or how many times i take a shower in a week. because i refuse to change those things about myself... now i am trying to get her to love me at any cost. spending my money... doing things for her, making dinner with her every night, reading the bible to her out loud while she gets ready for work. it's a lot of work, it's a nightmare and she still doesn't like me. officially GIVING up.
I've given up going to sxsw because it falls in the middle of my mother's 65th birthday, i've been running around like a chicken without a head trying to find her the PERFECT wallet. She is insistant upon a few musts: it must have a zipper as opposed to a button to close the checkbook area, it must be a dark color as she has plenty of pen-marked cream colored ones, it must be leather... for who knows what reason. so i went to target FOR MYSELF as browsed the wallets, i found an awesome little snappy one that was bright red and i liked it for me. i couldn't bear to leave the store without something mom related so i bought her this wreath of wood shavings shaped like roses, it's really pretty [she hates actual flowers]. back the wallets, i actually found one with the zipper for the checkbook! that excited me beyond belief cause i had been several places [bealls and kohls] and they simply don't exist. the color was black with a few generic looking "brand" designs on it that were grey so i figured that fit the bill. it's not leather because it's target not neiman marcus.
SO i bring it home, she's not very happy with it. i can deal with that it's OKAY! so i tell her we'll keep looking.
after getting my warrant cleared, i apply again for the census at the McAllen Chamber of Commerce... a few steps from the mall. beyond my wildest dreams, i have an urge to go to the mall and look for badass wallets. so i go to Macy's... NONE of them have the zipper checkbook thing but of course they are all leather and all overpriced. and not just overpriced slightly, well into the 300 dollar range. OMG no. i had only brought 200 hundred anyway.
i come home to find that she's put all her stuff in the target wallet. but something isn't settling well with me. her first reaction to the wallet was NO, then all of a sudden it's okay. i go into her room and ask her about it but i interrupt "bible time". i ask about it and she says in spanish that god would "punish her" if she were choosy about a wallet. to each her own, that's chill. and i'm asking her about the functions and to show me how everything looks in it. then she makes the most ANNOYING face sorta a downward smile [the rodriguez brothers are famous for this look except they don't look annoying] and she says "IT'S PRETTY ROUGH".
and i'm like "WAIT, WHAT does that mean?", she starts telling me it's tough on her hands because it's not leather and she mentions that i always buy myself nice things [the aforementioned red wallet was 8 dollars] and that i made myself a "pendeja" trying to buy her cheap things.
eh i just started to cry. i threw some fit and yelled called her an asshole, came to my room and cried. i'm thinking that i really want her to like me now. i am thinking that i want her to like ME. not my room being clean or how many times i take a shower in a week. because i refuse to change those things about myself... now i am trying to get her to love me at any cost. spending my money... doing things for her, making dinner with her every night, reading the bible to her out loud while she gets ready for work. it's a lot of work, it's a nightmare and she still doesn't like me. officially GIVING up.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
henney con cranberry
earlier this morning my itunes was on shuffle. it started to play watagatapitusberry, i felt like throwing up.
INCOME TAX
yes yes yes yes yes. i don't know about mo money mo problems because ALL of my problems are temporary solved because of a big fat check that was mailed to my house yesterday afternoon.
I have to give my mom $200
the city of edinburg needs $200
i need a car wash costing $80 [monster carwash is a trip]
don't forget the oil change $30
taking my friend out for sushi $50
a full tank of gas $25
getting a fat sack $10
Sephora make up restock $100
getting tessie's hair cut $40
acidwash leggings made $20
...suddenly it's not so exciting. but i am so glad i won't have to worry about that fucking ticket anymore. it's a nightmare trying to find a job when you have a physical warrant for your arrest. i was so busy wondering why the city didn't wanna hire me as their secretary or why the CENSUS never called me back. hell-o, i wasn't thinking so clearly when i applied for those jobs.
I don't enjoy beer as much as i enjoy the idea of having "drinks". isn't that so yuppie? i don't even like to drink but i am obsessed with HAVING DRINKS cause it sounds cool and it's something i am rarely in a position to do. Luckily for me, urban outfitters is out of stock of these black wedges i wanted that would only mean spending another 100 dollars on them. i started thinking, i've spend upwards of $2000 dollars at that store and hardly any of the things i bought are still in tact.
ANITA, i should go to her again. yeah i know valley girl staple but i really enjoy the feeling of going to a little shop in the middle of mcallen.
Things are really falling apart for a friend of mine. and oddly enough i feel like they are coming together for me. i was completely disrespected on FACEBOOK a couple of days ago. and since then my friend hasn't called to apologize to me... or at least explain but my arch nemesis alex did? that doesn't have me feeling so good about my boy-friend but i know he is bombarded with emotions right now, i know exactly what that feels like. i will hang in there and wait to see what comes of this silly, sorted parade. if you wanna have an ego battle, don't do it at my expense- that was FUCKED up. i'm disgusted.
tessie REALLY needs a bath. damn girl.
I have to give my mom $200
the city of edinburg needs $200
i need a car wash costing $80 [monster carwash is a trip]
don't forget the oil change $30
taking my friend out for sushi $50
a full tank of gas $25
getting a fat sack $10
Sephora make up restock $100
getting tessie's hair cut $40
acidwash leggings made $20
...suddenly it's not so exciting. but i am so glad i won't have to worry about that fucking ticket anymore. it's a nightmare trying to find a job when you have a physical warrant for your arrest. i was so busy wondering why the city didn't wanna hire me as their secretary or why the CENSUS never called me back. hell-o, i wasn't thinking so clearly when i applied for those jobs.
I don't enjoy beer as much as i enjoy the idea of having "drinks". isn't that so yuppie? i don't even like to drink but i am obsessed with HAVING DRINKS cause it sounds cool and it's something i am rarely in a position to do. Luckily for me, urban outfitters is out of stock of these black wedges i wanted that would only mean spending another 100 dollars on them. i started thinking, i've spend upwards of $2000 dollars at that store and hardly any of the things i bought are still in tact.
ANITA, i should go to her again. yeah i know valley girl staple but i really enjoy the feeling of going to a little shop in the middle of mcallen.
Things are really falling apart for a friend of mine. and oddly enough i feel like they are coming together for me. i was completely disrespected on FACEBOOK a couple of days ago. and since then my friend hasn't called to apologize to me... or at least explain but my arch nemesis alex did? that doesn't have me feeling so good about my boy-friend but i know he is bombarded with emotions right now, i know exactly what that feels like. i will hang in there and wait to see what comes of this silly, sorted parade. if you wanna have an ego battle, don't do it at my expense- that was FUCKED up. i'm disgusted.
tessie REALLY needs a bath. damn girl.
Monday, March 1, 2010
my bar behavior continues to haunt me.
i don't even know which way is up. i want to stop being punished for things i did, for how stupid i acted. i can't control this anymore- i feel like a lot of my fucking energy goes into trying to cover up my tracks and move on... when i am not doing that i am dwelling, being plagued and getting eaten away; being half the fucking person that i am.
i am trying to escape myself but so far the only way i've tried to escape it is running away. there are other ways to escape and eventually no matter how hard i try i am going to have to choose an alternative way. i am running out of people to run to, everyone knows me. this is getting harder and harder.
i am watching the episode of the sopranos where christopher's film "cleaver" is released a fucking gangster zombie movie with the antagonist character being modeled after tony soprano.
devanee showed me a video of me on the last day i hung out with sofia. i am miserable and mortified. how could she not? i mean... how on earth was i? i don't even know how to continue these questions to myself. the way i look and sound, the shit i am doing- it's fucking sick. i am fucking sick. it hasn't been long enough for me to forgive myself. i do not forgive myself. and if i haven't been able to do that, i shouldn't expect forgiveness from anyone else. i want it so bad, i want it nowwwwww. the truth of the matter is, i don't think i am gonna get it. i think people have washed their hands clean of me, that's okay. i get it.
i am trying to escape myself but so far the only way i've tried to escape it is running away. there are other ways to escape and eventually no matter how hard i try i am going to have to choose an alternative way. i am running out of people to run to, everyone knows me. this is getting harder and harder.
i am watching the episode of the sopranos where christopher's film "cleaver" is released a fucking gangster zombie movie with the antagonist character being modeled after tony soprano.
devanee showed me a video of me on the last day i hung out with sofia. i am miserable and mortified. how could she not? i mean... how on earth was i? i don't even know how to continue these questions to myself. the way i look and sound, the shit i am doing- it's fucking sick. i am fucking sick. it hasn't been long enough for me to forgive myself. i do not forgive myself. and if i haven't been able to do that, i shouldn't expect forgiveness from anyone else. i want it so bad, i want it nowwwwww. the truth of the matter is, i don't think i am gonna get it. i think people have washed their hands clean of me, that's okay. i get it.
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