Saturday, February 20, 2010
things are okay.
and i eat pears everyday. i walk tessie everyday. i try to do ME everyday. i've learned when i am anxious i need to just ride the wave of being a human being. i don't have to soothe myself every minute of everyday, i certainly don't need to indulge in relaxation. i've been dreaming of my friends lately, i have dreams that seem like a lifetime ago. like i have no idea how things were how they were. i wake up pretty early and sleep pretty early, i feel tired in the morning and tired at night. i've had two periods since i've seen a lot of people.
i think i am trying to fool myself into thinking that i am some kind of gentle soul. like i'm not raging angry about some things because i want to feel serene. i'm trying to convince myself that i can be someone else, that i don't have to be held captive by my anger. i feel sometimes as if all this shit is in my head, so much now more than ever.
i don't know what's going on but i think i'm losing.
i think i am trying to fool myself into thinking that i am some kind of gentle soul. like i'm not raging angry about some things because i want to feel serene. i'm trying to convince myself that i can be someone else, that i don't have to be held captive by my anger. i feel sometimes as if all this shit is in my head, so much now more than ever.
i don't know what's going on but i think i'm losing.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
MARCH-eyes.
i plan on not seeing anyone in a party-like environment until march. not literally MARCH FIRST but somewhere around there. i've committed to being 60 days off of bars until i can go out again. its just something i said i would do... and i wanna do it.
i find it so strange that i can lie to myself, break promises to myself; seemingly, i stop myself from doing anything good. so why can't i stop myself from doing something bad? the break i've had from the outside world is hurting me. i feel paranoid and like i have to watch my back, i need to let go of that. i need deal with being ashamed of myself, it's not easy.
this first month off of bars has been a huge blur. the first couple week or so i would have extraordinary dreams that were repeats of things i've ALREADY DONE and they were nightmares. isn't that hilarious? nightmares of me doing things.... that i've actually already done. slight things were altered but for the most part, i already dealt with all of that. or i THOUGHT i dealt with it... i was too barred out to know what i was doing. so i feel like my brain has stored this creepy shit, waiting for a sober opportunity to deal with it. cause after all, nothing goes unpunished.
i find it so strange that i can lie to myself, break promises to myself; seemingly, i stop myself from doing anything good. so why can't i stop myself from doing something bad? the break i've had from the outside world is hurting me. i feel paranoid and like i have to watch my back, i need to let go of that. i need deal with being ashamed of myself, it's not easy.
this first month off of bars has been a huge blur. the first couple week or so i would have extraordinary dreams that were repeats of things i've ALREADY DONE and they were nightmares. isn't that hilarious? nightmares of me doing things.... that i've actually already done. slight things were altered but for the most part, i already dealt with all of that. or i THOUGHT i dealt with it... i was too barred out to know what i was doing. so i feel like my brain has stored this creepy shit, waiting for a sober opportunity to deal with it. cause after all, nothing goes unpunished.
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