take your finger off of it

I'm already disgusted with what I said earlier. I guess that's another weird, hateful thing about art... you can look back at it. Not that writing a little something something on a blog no one knows about is ART but it's document, another breed entirely.

I am dying my hair on Saturday for an obscene amount of money. A ridiculous amount of money! I just wanna see how it turns out. I shouldn't have it light again, dark seems to be the shade for me. Although, I could just do something light because even a blond sounds dark right now. I'm a really indecisive person, which makes me a complete pushover.






I am SUCH a pushover that my friends have told me "you are a fucking pushover"
I'm in fact so willing to give up thinking for myself, I really give it away. I can't decide where I want to eat, where I wanna go [so I end up going to people's grandma's birthday parties], if I should go over or not, what the fuck we're gonna do! I would give anything for the words to fall right out instead of getting an anxiety attack over "cheese or hummus?!"










I can tell sometimes my Sofie tries not to state her opinion out loud first anymore because she knows it would sway my thought. I can't help it! It's not because I wanna look dope, I just care deeply about few and I know if Sofia and I are disagreeing it's because I am missing a point of view. there's something i DON'T know about and I'd like to be told.
which is all great. EXCEPT... I sorta use it as a crutch also. again, just a loophole in having to make decisions.





I have to get back to the world. Enough living inside of my head. I'm so afraid of dying but I haven't moved in years. I don't know what the fuck I am doing! I work really hard at a weird job and go to school for god knows what. I forgot already. Oh that's right... ENGLISH SENLSNG. I am going to be miserable for the rest of my fucking life! haha, yeahhhh I would like to read for a living. or maybe read to you? read to your kids? read to myself.


but yeah, back to the world. I have to dedicate a day where I'll just roll a joint and lie in the grass, smell flowers, get dirt under my nails, walk around my neighborhood, try to walk my dog without a leech, take the ol' red cruser bike out for a spin :D










I can't brew life in my head, it rushes out of my pores almost automatically.