Tuesday, March 2, 2010
henney con cranberry
earlier this morning my itunes was on shuffle. it started to play watagatapitusberry, i felt like throwing up.
INCOME TAX
yes yes yes yes yes. i don't know about mo money mo problems because ALL of my problems are temporary solved because of a big fat check that was mailed to my house yesterday afternoon.
I have to give my mom $200
the city of edinburg needs $200
i need a car wash costing $80 [monster carwash is a trip]
don't forget the oil change $30
taking my friend out for sushi $50
a full tank of gas $25
getting a fat sack $10
Sephora make up restock $100
getting tessie's hair cut $40
acidwash leggings made $20
...suddenly it's not so exciting. but i am so glad i won't have to worry about that fucking ticket anymore. it's a nightmare trying to find a job when you have a physical warrant for your arrest. i was so busy wondering why the city didn't wanna hire me as their secretary or why the CENSUS never called me back. hell-o, i wasn't thinking so clearly when i applied for those jobs.
I don't enjoy beer as much as i enjoy the idea of having "drinks". isn't that so yuppie? i don't even like to drink but i am obsessed with HAVING DRINKS cause it sounds cool and it's something i am rarely in a position to do. Luckily for me, urban outfitters is out of stock of these black wedges i wanted that would only mean spending another 100 dollars on them. i started thinking, i've spend upwards of $2000 dollars at that store and hardly any of the things i bought are still in tact.
ANITA, i should go to her again. yeah i know valley girl staple but i really enjoy the feeling of going to a little shop in the middle of mcallen.
Things are really falling apart for a friend of mine. and oddly enough i feel like they are coming together for me. i was completely disrespected on FACEBOOK a couple of days ago. and since then my friend hasn't called to apologize to me... or at least explain but my arch nemesis alex did? that doesn't have me feeling so good about my boy-friend but i know he is bombarded with emotions right now, i know exactly what that feels like. i will hang in there and wait to see what comes of this silly, sorted parade. if you wanna have an ego battle, don't do it at my expense- that was FUCKED up. i'm disgusted.
tessie REALLY needs a bath. damn girl.
I have to give my mom $200
the city of edinburg needs $200
i need a car wash costing $80 [monster carwash is a trip]
don't forget the oil change $30
taking my friend out for sushi $50
a full tank of gas $25
getting a fat sack $10
Sephora make up restock $100
getting tessie's hair cut $40
acidwash leggings made $20
...suddenly it's not so exciting. but i am so glad i won't have to worry about that fucking ticket anymore. it's a nightmare trying to find a job when you have a physical warrant for your arrest. i was so busy wondering why the city didn't wanna hire me as their secretary or why the CENSUS never called me back. hell-o, i wasn't thinking so clearly when i applied for those jobs.
I don't enjoy beer as much as i enjoy the idea of having "drinks". isn't that so yuppie? i don't even like to drink but i am obsessed with HAVING DRINKS cause it sounds cool and it's something i am rarely in a position to do. Luckily for me, urban outfitters is out of stock of these black wedges i wanted that would only mean spending another 100 dollars on them. i started thinking, i've spend upwards of $2000 dollars at that store and hardly any of the things i bought are still in tact.
ANITA, i should go to her again. yeah i know valley girl staple but i really enjoy the feeling of going to a little shop in the middle of mcallen.
Things are really falling apart for a friend of mine. and oddly enough i feel like they are coming together for me. i was completely disrespected on FACEBOOK a couple of days ago. and since then my friend hasn't called to apologize to me... or at least explain but my arch nemesis alex did? that doesn't have me feeling so good about my boy-friend but i know he is bombarded with emotions right now, i know exactly what that feels like. i will hang in there and wait to see what comes of this silly, sorted parade. if you wanna have an ego battle, don't do it at my expense- that was FUCKED up. i'm disgusted.
tessie REALLY needs a bath. damn girl.
Monday, March 1, 2010
my bar behavior continues to haunt me.
i don't even know which way is up. i want to stop being punished for things i did, for how stupid i acted. i can't control this anymore- i feel like a lot of my fucking energy goes into trying to cover up my tracks and move on... when i am not doing that i am dwelling, being plagued and getting eaten away; being half the fucking person that i am.
i am trying to escape myself but so far the only way i've tried to escape it is running away. there are other ways to escape and eventually no matter how hard i try i am going to have to choose an alternative way. i am running out of people to run to, everyone knows me. this is getting harder and harder.
i am watching the episode of the sopranos where christopher's film "cleaver" is released a fucking gangster zombie movie with the antagonist character being modeled after tony soprano.
devanee showed me a video of me on the last day i hung out with sofia. i am miserable and mortified. how could she not? i mean... how on earth was i? i don't even know how to continue these questions to myself. the way i look and sound, the shit i am doing- it's fucking sick. i am fucking sick. it hasn't been long enough for me to forgive myself. i do not forgive myself. and if i haven't been able to do that, i shouldn't expect forgiveness from anyone else. i want it so bad, i want it nowwwwww. the truth of the matter is, i don't think i am gonna get it. i think people have washed their hands clean of me, that's okay. i get it.
i am trying to escape myself but so far the only way i've tried to escape it is running away. there are other ways to escape and eventually no matter how hard i try i am going to have to choose an alternative way. i am running out of people to run to, everyone knows me. this is getting harder and harder.
i am watching the episode of the sopranos where christopher's film "cleaver" is released a fucking gangster zombie movie with the antagonist character being modeled after tony soprano.
devanee showed me a video of me on the last day i hung out with sofia. i am miserable and mortified. how could she not? i mean... how on earth was i? i don't even know how to continue these questions to myself. the way i look and sound, the shit i am doing- it's fucking sick. i am fucking sick. it hasn't been long enough for me to forgive myself. i do not forgive myself. and if i haven't been able to do that, i shouldn't expect forgiveness from anyone else. i want it so bad, i want it nowwwwww. the truth of the matter is, i don't think i am gonna get it. i think people have washed their hands clean of me, that's okay. i get it.
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