will you lift me even higher?

it's become all too clear to me just how crazy my mother makes me. her fucking smug faces, telling me i am "not right in the head" and that i'm on "pills". I don't know how to cope with this toxic relationship with her. ugh it's so ugly and twisted. i grind my teeth so much, slam so many doors, cry all the time... and she actually scoffs. she LAUGHS at me when i tried to tell her just now that accusing me of being on pills and telling me i am crazy isn't something i can deal with. "no selina, ya, estas loca"

i hate to say it but now, this is me. THIS IS MEEEE, who i am, the person i had been running from all this time. if i seem crazy, or emotional or passionate... that's because i am an emotional person, sorting through my feelings can take me all day. it can takes weeks or years. i know my mother is a bipolar 65 year old woman but it isn't fair. i am 23 and so weak minded and emotionally undeveloped, it's not FAIR. but 23 should also mean that i am not living with her anymore. i am excited to move out where i will feel better, where i will live and breathe a craft that has captivated me since i was a child. it's the light at the end of a VERY long tunnel. sara told me that her relationship with mom has gotten better as far as not seeing her as often, but that she's still the same woman. financially helpful, emotionally ruining.

ummm

can i JUST SAY that i am fully, without a doubt inspired by christina aguilera. i mean, vocally who wouldn't be... but her message is so obvious and clearly communicated whenever there is confusion. her message is and has always been female empowerment and almost worship. sometimes it all out there like in the song "cant hold us down" but in her new music video "not myself tonight" she is playing with a lot of s&m imagery. she's the dominatrix but she's also bound and gagged... giving her the decision to be in dominant or submissive but nonetheless powerful. the name of her album is "bionic", another nod to the power of women. i think about how she became a mother recently and i think that her suggestion is that women are a sub-human... able to carry and birth life, almost superior :x. she is probably feeling like a "bionic" woman because she can be a zillion different things all at one time, we all can. she's a mother, a wife, a daughter, a vocalist, a performace artist... but most of all a strong woman.

i feel sad that she is being compared to lady gaga. christina has been platinum blond and is constantly reinventing herself. the "inventions" may not be the freshest we've seen but christina can be the innocent 18 year old girl, dirrty girl, a 20's pin up girl and a bionic woman all at the same time... yet another one of her points. there is no reason to choose, her choice is to be all "tonight i'm not the same girl". sooo fucking good, i am so weirdly excited because she has a song with peaches on the new album and JD Samson produced two songs on it. :x isn't that fucking crazy?

poppin like champagne bottles but we're never shook

oh man, what a wasted day. worry worry worry, i don't have any problems. i don't need certain people in my life, i had the courage to accept that earlier this year... and now i am just taking it all back. it's hard to grow i guess, cause the next time you fall the fall is much harder. but i refuse to fall, there are some things i have to stay focused on if i want my life to be the fullest, richest it can get. i have enough things to worry about what with my career [it sounds so good to say that], my lack of a job, rejuvenating my relationship with my immediate family, waiting on chase bank to assign me an investigator, clearing up my credit, getting a loan... i have a lot on my plate.

i can't worry about being harassed on my tumblr or being called a bitch and or being terrorized by my friend's boyfriend. i don't expect anything else out people such as those, so i needa chill on being surprised.
life weeded out for me the things that weren't working for me and somehow the weeds are creepin around again. but i won't let them, i can spot them a mile away now. so UM NO.