the over-reaction queen of the world is still me :D last night while i was writing that blog i was screaming and crying. i felt like someone beat me up and pulled my heart out of my face.
but it's really something very silly. i know thiiiis. i also know that the person upsetting me is a monster, a complete and total scary monster. i really, REALLY have to let go of this shit. but i react suuuuuper uncontrollably. but you know what? now it's under control and things are fucking okay. he is not gonna rain on the parade that is MAH LYFE.
los angeles anyone?
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
it seems hilarious to think that i was writing such a fucking sapping blog entry about loving people... and seeing the good in people and exposing myself like that. i know better than that, i should hope that by now i know better than that.
i am completely shocked at how easily i am set back. it makes me think that i never really got anywhere in the first place... how can i have such a flimsy fucking grasp on happiness. the truth is i don't know if i will ever survive my sadness, i can't keep my head above water. i'm happy to know that now i am at least trying everyday to make it better, but the sadness comes back in rare form. it's so strong, i haven't learned how to overcome it.
it's just hard sometimes. but it's okay, it has to be okay now.
i am completely shocked at how easily i am set back. it makes me think that i never really got anywhere in the first place... how can i have such a flimsy fucking grasp on happiness. the truth is i don't know if i will ever survive my sadness, i can't keep my head above water. i'm happy to know that now i am at least trying everyday to make it better, but the sadness comes back in rare form. it's so strong, i haven't learned how to overcome it.
it's just hard sometimes. but it's okay, it has to be okay now.
party monster
my life is pretty fucking smooth right now. i don't have much to worry about and a lot to look forward to. i don't know what made me think that being negative was smart and savvy and would get me anywhere. turn the knob just a hair to the right and i can hear the radio station loud and clear.
i'm still pretty hard on people inside of my brain, i am still hard on myself but there is something different going on. i think i am learning how to accept people and respect them, actually see the good qualities they have. and the same can be said for myself, i am focusing on the good things i feel and desperately trying to let go of little demons trying to hold me down.
they pop up in my life everyday, these little bloodsucking demon fuckers that want me to self destruct.
i went to a party last night and it turned out to be such an interesting night. i went from crying to laughing so hard i cried.
i guess i have a phobia of men.
i have a reason to be afraid. there was this drunk TEK? frat guy that was the scariest thing i've seen in a while. he was clearly drunk and i don't mind the hitting on my friends, i don't mind the trying to get it. i don't mind if they do get it. this guy was doing the drunk thing where you put your arm around someone really low on their back... and start touching their legs... like grazing them with his hands. he felt so fucking entitled, like cause his dick wanted it... it was his. there was no thought about her, none at all. he was directly staring at her body, fucking creeping me the fuck out.
what made it worse is it got really bad at a point, he pulled a chair next to her and started talking really closely to her face all the while doing the fucking hands on her body shit. and NO ONE said anything. she was surrounded by her friends, including me. and we did nothing. i was scared, so angry... but scared. the moment of truth and i cowered. i consider myself outspoken in lots of aspects but i just watched horrified. finally the birthday boy took her inside while the rest of his frat brothers decided it was time for him to leave.
i was really disappointed in what had happen and in myself for not being able to speak up. i ended up crying quite a bit about it. i don't really know how to explain it or if i need to... but it was really terrifying to see him stumbling around and slobbering and putting his hands on people. he looked so strong to, i was afraid of his strength. and what he could do, what i believe he could do.
i know this isn't partial to men. women are strong and women could easily sexually assault someone. not all men scare me, clearly... but it's just men. also, clearly, some women scare me but not nearly as significantly as men do.
so it looks like my credit is getting cleared up and i am getting closer to being able to get a loan for los angeles. i am so excited to act and learn about the craft and continue my voice lessons there! i can't stop smiling whenever i think about it hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahaha
i've been obsessed with the color fushia, chola makeup and hair [more than usual] and plum lipstick will i ever really wear plum lipstick... i don't know. i hope to god that i do.
i'm still pretty hard on people inside of my brain, i am still hard on myself but there is something different going on. i think i am learning how to accept people and respect them, actually see the good qualities they have. and the same can be said for myself, i am focusing on the good things i feel and desperately trying to let go of little demons trying to hold me down.
they pop up in my life everyday, these little bloodsucking demon fuckers that want me to self destruct.
i went to a party last night and it turned out to be such an interesting night. i went from crying to laughing so hard i cried.
i guess i have a phobia of men.
i have a reason to be afraid. there was this drunk TEK? frat guy that was the scariest thing i've seen in a while. he was clearly drunk and i don't mind the hitting on my friends, i don't mind the trying to get it. i don't mind if they do get it. this guy was doing the drunk thing where you put your arm around someone really low on their back... and start touching their legs... like grazing them with his hands. he felt so fucking entitled, like cause his dick wanted it... it was his. there was no thought about her, none at all. he was directly staring at her body, fucking creeping me the fuck out.
what made it worse is it got really bad at a point, he pulled a chair next to her and started talking really closely to her face all the while doing the fucking hands on her body shit. and NO ONE said anything. she was surrounded by her friends, including me. and we did nothing. i was scared, so angry... but scared. the moment of truth and i cowered. i consider myself outspoken in lots of aspects but i just watched horrified. finally the birthday boy took her inside while the rest of his frat brothers decided it was time for him to leave.
i was really disappointed in what had happen and in myself for not being able to speak up. i ended up crying quite a bit about it. i don't really know how to explain it or if i need to... but it was really terrifying to see him stumbling around and slobbering and putting his hands on people. he looked so strong to, i was afraid of his strength. and what he could do, what i believe he could do.
i know this isn't partial to men. women are strong and women could easily sexually assault someone. not all men scare me, clearly... but it's just men. also, clearly, some women scare me but not nearly as significantly as men do.
so it looks like my credit is getting cleared up and i am getting closer to being able to get a loan for los angeles. i am so excited to act and learn about the craft and continue my voice lessons there! i can't stop smiling whenever i think about it hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahaha
i've been obsessed with the color fushia, chola makeup and hair [more than usual] and plum lipstick will i ever really wear plum lipstick... i don't know. i hope to god that i do.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
