i am solving nothing, nothing, nothing. trying to get someone to feel as badly about themselves as i do but this person feels nothing.
i've been thinking a lot about forgiveness and what it means to me. i believe that i am truly incapable of it, in certain circumstances. i forgive and i don't forget- but is that really forgiveness? i choose to let certain people back into my life so that i can be friendly when i wanna be and be a mean, nasty person whenever i feel like it. AND the excuse is always that i am still mad about the old shit. i can lose my temper whenever i want because of something i've already supposedly forgiven that person for. right?
wrong. i really, really didn't think that i was delusional. which i guess is part of actually being delusional. i didn't think that i was in a relationship with that person [though all my friends agree that i treated this person as if we were] i don't want to be his girlfriend. what i do what however, is to keep him miserable.
so this person that i speak of was having some issues with his friends. and they would all talk shit about him, literally we'd have at least a 10-30 minute conversation about this person and it would all be bad talk and half of me loved it, while the other half of me hated it. i wanted to stay true to this person and be his friend but at the same time i was loving the fact that he was suffering- and that kind of evil that lives and harbors inside of me scared me.
i couldn't believe that i was enjoying the fact that people didn't want him around anymore. i was also enjoying the fact that i was one of the few that still spoke to him. manipulative much?
my entire reaction and disposition was so hateful and twisted. i almost felt like i was addicted to this person. the high i would get whenever i he was around, the high i would get keeping it a secret from my friends that i still wanted him around, the pain and literal withdraw i felt when he wasn't around... all very very sickening.
many many times i had come to the decision of not speaking to that person anymore because i couldn't handle myself around them. but a week would roll around and i would literally be fiending to talk to him. until, thursday night.
thursday night i embarrassed myself and him by yelling at him in a club, throwing peanuts at him and getting kicked out. i really didn't think it was that big of a deal... but what kind of friendship is that? not a normal one... not one that he wants anymore. HE had to make the decision because i wasn't strong enough to do it on my own. he officially called it off and said that he didn't want to see me for a while and needed a break from my ridiculousness.
and those were entirely valid points. but then he went as far as to say that when i was drunk/barred i became a sexual deviant? i don't know that i agreed with all his points, particularly that one.
okay! so the point is i got the new world in my view. now that i don't have much of choice... i think it's going to be easier for me to actually move on. not just pretend but ACTUALLY do it.
so i got to thinking about the new world and the new year i wanna live in. and it's mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine. i am buying fabric this morning and am gonna make a friend of mind a dress and do some other creative things, i'm gonna pick up my camera and do creative things with that... get involved in the arts that i love again. get over the silly stuff and keep busy.
this living inside of my brain thing does not work for me. for years i felt like i was rotting from the inside out. some people could tell the general sadness i usually carried around with me. i don't want to be that person anymore. i want to be confident, i want to respect myself and above all i want to love myself. the problem is... it's been so long since i haven't i don't even know where to start.
what i've decided is that respecting yourself and loving yourself is a day-to-day struggle. every moment, every decision has to be made with my best interest at heart. so that's it, that's how i will begin this crazy, obscure journey to self-respect. i just hope i get there. i am not even half the girl i used to be.
2010 is the year i get me back.
