I GOT THE NEW WORLD IN MY VIEW

i can say i've dealt with being lonely.

i can say that i've felt like when no one wants to be around you. 

i can say that i have felt like i am ashamed of who i am. 

i can say that there are things I can't change. 

i can't say I like being with people. 

i can't say i'm the kind of person that always wants someone around. 

i can't say that i would never be proud of who i was. 

i can't admit that nothing is my decision.

LADIES LEAVE YOUR MAN AT HOME

i have been trying to scratch my latest itch.  i've been painting my room and reading.  i've been talking on the phone and hanging out with friends. i've been aggressive.  i've been jealous.  i have not been working.  i haven't been passive.  i haven't been sober.  i haven't been creative.  i haven't been relieved. 

recently, i've been a little obsessed with loyalty.  i'm not even sure what that means anymore.  who has the desire to be loyal and what they think it means is very important, it's also important if you expect it and... what it means to you.  

if you are aiming to be loyal i think that means telling the truth to the person you are trying to be loyal to, even if the truth is horrible and hard to say.  i think being loyal is supporting someone when they've done something to disgust you.  BUT at what point do you start being loyal to yourself?  i think i've come to terms with the fact that i am not really loyal to my beliefs.  this fucking punk rock philosophy that's been ingrained in my brain for the longest time, has me thinking how on earth did this happen?  how on earth am I stuck in a car with dudes that can't stop saying "joto" and girls that can't stop saying "slut"?  

on a completely different note.  i was thinking about possibly making this blog about acting.  you know, talking about neat actors and actresses.  not hollywood assholes but really fantastic foreign and local stage and screen artists that I have the most respect for.  and work that really floors me.  

above the aforementioned is Alexander Skarsgard.  He is from Sweden and has actually been acting for a crazy amount of time.  I first noticed him in Generation Kill which i thought was so awesome and beautifully acted.  the character was so developed in silent clips with intense expression.  it's weird how that mini-series gets the point that there don't have to be fucking helicopters in the background 24/7 to make film significant and moving about war.  THEN, i saw Alexander in True Blood as the 1000+ year old, nordic vampire named Eric Northman and his character is cold and totally badass.  he is able to give a very sharp "FUCK YOU" with the raise of an eyebrow and even in the way he glances back and forth at people as they talk.  

he is the second gentleman who speaks. that quick first line he has is so fucking articulate!

he's the vampire :p

strangers never strange

it's the observation that is key, but the observation that eats me. the notes and notations won't do anything for me.  the pages go on and on and they've existed, before me.  on one hand it feels so good, my other hand is rotten like wood.  flaking away into dust.  it's probably the dust that gets caught in my eye and where again i flush it out.  a sort of dignity i never had a hold of, that observation i've never been without.  

i don't know myself.  but what the fuck does that mean anyway?  to know my TRUTH? haha, wtf?  I sorta laugh at aimless attempts self-awareness then realized I am shamelessly, ridiculously doing exactly that.  I don't know WHY i am trying to be so aware and in control all the time.  time, my obsessions, death... those piece of shit parts of my life i'll never be able to do anything about, shouldn't wash me clean and fill my lungs. 

they should be drowned or something.  drowned by creation or something.  You know?  I feel like it could work the same way as clogged pores do- i just have them in my insides.  i'll make a headband, then it will become the headband.

My old english teacher always used to say I used the worst "to be" verbs in my writing.  apparently, that's all I could think of writing with "will be", "we were".  i never bothered to come up with something better, even when she would ask me to be creative.  i would always choose creative subject matter [often terrible narritives] and write in boring "to be" verbs.

are am is was were be became become..... all "to be" verbs.