WELL FUCK

he can have you.

i don't think it's funny to be racist.

I'm a little worried right now because i haven't wanted to act. i haven't picked up any monologue material in like... three weeks. i sorta had a little mini-breakdown, followed by some depression, but such is my life. i understand that mini-breakdowns and depression are definitely a part of who i am. now i just have to be smart and apply them to my art, the art i wanna make. i'm so tired of over-articulating my life. but now i haven't been wanting to talk at all and BLAH i am getting bitter cause shit doesn't go the way i want it to, period. i can't control other people and subtle control of people is usually what i like :x i've realized i'm a little more psychotic than i would like to be.

just yesterday i started feeling better- i can turn on myself really quickly though. I AM TRYING NOT TO.



until then, i will listen to nina simone. i love youuuu porgy.

will you lift me even higher?

it's become all too clear to me just how crazy my mother makes me. her fucking smug faces, telling me i am "not right in the head" and that i'm on "pills". I don't know how to cope with this toxic relationship with her. ugh it's so ugly and twisted. i grind my teeth so much, slam so many doors, cry all the time... and she actually scoffs. she LAUGHS at me when i tried to tell her just now that accusing me of being on pills and telling me i am crazy isn't something i can deal with. "no selina, ya, estas loca"

i hate to say it but now, this is me. THIS IS MEEEE, who i am, the person i had been running from all this time. if i seem crazy, or emotional or passionate... that's because i am an emotional person, sorting through my feelings can take me all day. it can takes weeks or years. i know my mother is a bipolar 65 year old woman but it isn't fair. i am 23 and so weak minded and emotionally undeveloped, it's not FAIR. but 23 should also mean that i am not living with her anymore. i am excited to move out where i will feel better, where i will live and breathe a craft that has captivated me since i was a child. it's the light at the end of a VERY long tunnel. sara told me that her relationship with mom has gotten better as far as not seeing her as often, but that she's still the same woman. financially helpful, emotionally ruining.

ummm

can i JUST SAY that i am fully, without a doubt inspired by christina aguilera. i mean, vocally who wouldn't be... but her message is so obvious and clearly communicated whenever there is confusion. her message is and has always been female empowerment and almost worship. sometimes it all out there like in the song "cant hold us down" but in her new music video "not myself tonight" she is playing with a lot of s&m imagery. she's the dominatrix but she's also bound and gagged... giving her the decision to be in dominant or submissive but nonetheless powerful. the name of her album is "bionic", another nod to the power of women. i think about how she became a mother recently and i think that her suggestion is that women are a sub-human... able to carry and birth life, almost superior :x. she is probably feeling like a "bionic" woman because she can be a zillion different things all at one time, we all can. she's a mother, a wife, a daughter, a vocalist, a performace artist... but most of all a strong woman.

i feel sad that she is being compared to lady gaga. christina has been platinum blond and is constantly reinventing herself. the "inventions" may not be the freshest we've seen but christina can be the innocent 18 year old girl, dirrty girl, a 20's pin up girl and a bionic woman all at the same time... yet another one of her points. there is no reason to choose, her choice is to be all "tonight i'm not the same girl". sooo fucking good, i am so weirdly excited because she has a song with peaches on the new album and JD Samson produced two songs on it. :x isn't that fucking crazy?

poppin like champagne bottles but we're never shook

oh man, what a wasted day. worry worry worry, i don't have any problems. i don't need certain people in my life, i had the courage to accept that earlier this year... and now i am just taking it all back. it's hard to grow i guess, cause the next time you fall the fall is much harder. but i refuse to fall, there are some things i have to stay focused on if i want my life to be the fullest, richest it can get. i have enough things to worry about what with my career [it sounds so good to say that], my lack of a job, rejuvenating my relationship with my immediate family, waiting on chase bank to assign me an investigator, clearing up my credit, getting a loan... i have a lot on my plate.

i can't worry about being harassed on my tumblr or being called a bitch and or being terrorized by my friend's boyfriend. i don't expect anything else out people such as those, so i needa chill on being surprised.
life weeded out for me the things that weren't working for me and somehow the weeds are creepin around again. but i won't let them, i can spot them a mile away now. so UM NO.

i logged in to do thiiiis

do you like it boy? i want want want, what you got got got give it to me baby like boom boom boom. what i want want want, is what you want want want na naaaaa aaaaa-aaaaah


there is something so incredibly special about her voice : [ it's definitely all style but sometimes her low notes make me sooo happy. i'm happy this morning. incredibly so.

cm, ym- cash money bidness

oh man. things are just so unfair.
i want to scream and yell and kick shit, destroy things, cry loudly. none of that helps, this feels like a silent blog that goes on and on and on. oh my my my, sometimes i wish and wish so hard that things that happened to me will go away. i can't get them to go away, it slaps me in the face all the time, every morning any time that i'm alone. i feel like it knows my weaknesses, knows how to cling on every cell, it makes my heart absolutely ache.


but i gotta learn how to deal. i find that talking about without people rolling their eyes and getting so impatient is a great way of coping for me. but people are tired of hearing the same thing over and over, sometimes i progress leap and bounds and sometimes i am so far back i can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.



i think laughing help me soo much. today my asian friend went to a store and as soon as she walked inside she was like, "oh my god there are nothing but 'philippinos' in here they are all gonna like me". so wrong on so many levels that i just burst out laughing harder than ever. it's super light and infectious to laugh at something silly and ridiculous. it makes me feel childlike, like i am pure. experiencing one of the oldest, truest human emotions. lose myself in laughter and in FUCK. :p

Jimmy Fallon is hot.

dear guy who knocked me up,

you fucking WISH i was making it up. but actually, that's the only thing i know has happened to me in the last 3 1/2 years, one of the only things i know is fucking real.

my friend from mexico is also not fake. he's not even a really good friend nor have a mentioned him to any of YOU sick sons of assholes.

WHEW

the over-reaction queen of the world is still me :D last night while i was writing that blog i was screaming and crying. i felt like someone beat me up and pulled my heart out of my face.


but it's really something very silly. i know thiiiis. i also know that the person upsetting me is a monster, a complete and total scary monster. i really, REALLY have to let go of this shit. but i react suuuuuper uncontrollably. but you know what? now it's under control and things are fucking okay. he is not gonna rain on the parade that is MAH LYFE.

los angeles anyone?

it seems hilarious to think that i was writing such a fucking sapping blog entry about loving people... and seeing the good in people and exposing myself like that. i know better than that, i should hope that by now i know better than that.

i am completely shocked at how easily i am set back. it makes me think that i never really got anywhere in the first place... how can i have such a flimsy fucking grasp on happiness. the truth is i don't know if i will ever survive my sadness, i can't keep my head above water. i'm happy to know that now i am at least trying everyday to make it better, but the sadness comes back in rare form. it's so strong, i haven't learned how to overcome it.




it's just hard sometimes. but it's okay, it has to be okay now.

party monster

my life is pretty fucking smooth right now. i don't have much to worry about and a lot to look forward to. i don't know what made me think that being negative was smart and savvy and would get me anywhere. turn the knob just a hair to the right and i can hear the radio station loud and clear.

i'm still pretty hard on people inside of my brain, i am still hard on myself but there is something different going on. i think i am learning how to accept people and respect them, actually see the good qualities they have. and the same can be said for myself, i am focusing on the good things i feel and desperately trying to let go of little demons trying to hold me down.




they pop up in my life everyday, these little bloodsucking demon fuckers that want me to self destruct.


i went to a party last night and it turned out to be such an interesting night. i went from crying to laughing so hard i cried.
i guess i have a phobia of men.


i have a reason to be afraid. there was this drunk TEK? frat guy that was the scariest thing i've seen in a while. he was clearly drunk and i don't mind the hitting on my friends, i don't mind the trying to get it. i don't mind if they do get it. this guy was doing the drunk thing where you put your arm around someone really low on their back... and start touching their legs... like grazing them with his hands. he felt so fucking entitled, like cause his dick wanted it... it was his. there was no thought about her, none at all. he was directly staring at her body, fucking creeping me the fuck out.



what made it worse is it got really bad at a point, he pulled a chair next to her and started talking really closely to her face all the while doing the fucking hands on her body shit. and NO ONE said anything. she was surrounded by her friends, including me. and we did nothing. i was scared, so angry... but scared. the moment of truth and i cowered. i consider myself outspoken in lots of aspects but i just watched horrified. finally the birthday boy took her inside while the rest of his frat brothers decided it was time for him to leave.

i was really disappointed in what had happen and in myself for not being able to speak up. i ended up crying quite a bit about it. i don't really know how to explain it or if i need to... but it was really terrifying to see him stumbling around and slobbering and putting his hands on people. he looked so strong to, i was afraid of his strength. and what he could do, what i believe he could do.



i know this isn't partial to men. women are strong and women could easily sexually assault someone. not all men scare me, clearly... but it's just men. also, clearly, some women scare me but not nearly as significantly as men do.












so it looks like my credit is getting cleared up and i am getting closer to being able to get a loan for los angeles. i am so excited to act and learn about the craft and continue my voice lessons there! i can't stop smiling whenever i think about it hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahaha





i've been obsessed with the color fushia, chola makeup and hair [more than usual] and plum lipstick will i ever really wear plum lipstick... i don't know. i hope to god that i do.

HOYT'S MOM hahaha

this is a hilarious scene, we all have mother's like this right?!

i am tired of being overwhelmed

i don't know why i can't just properly handle things.
I've been TRIPPING out all morning, that's such a lie cause i just woke up. but i know what i mean :x haha


i don't want to overreact about bars anymore. when i first stopped taking bars... i could be around people who barred out and they served as inspiration for me not to. but i'm stupid and not strong in the slightest and that shit doesn't fly anymore. i am SOMEWHAT envious of barred out people, really angry mostly. angry, partially at myself because i wanna have little to no reaction to bars.


YOU KNOW, i find myself saying i want little to no reaction to alot of things. camel, bars, the queen of my world, my mom...
the truth of the matter is i react very highly. i am a highly reactive person, i shouldn't be so anxious to change that shit. i give a fuck, i am volatile and excited. i have to stand for something, because i've been falling for everything.


idk what this is about.

tessie barks shrilly

the art walk is today, there is some event at ambiente today. i am not entirely interested in either one but i plan on attending both.

i've really been trying to capture a positive attitude. but an ACTUAL positive attitude. it takes constant work and effort on my part but it's okay. i can be so emotionally lazy sometimes that i'd rather be neggy cause it comes easier and is more natural for me. today i thought about the great personality traits my friends [and sometimes non-friends] possess. i don't have to be everyone's friend, people can find me annoying... it's OKAY. i can still appreciate them for being funny and admire them for having beats in their heads louder than their hearts. i can be so emotional and sensitive sometimes but i think that is what makes me so interested in manipulating human emotions and having an emotional imagination. i am all stella adlered out.


i have a new life plan, which is move to los angeles.
there are a few things i have to do here in order to make it possible. I need to pay off some SERIOUS debt. dudes, i made some major financial fuck ups that i need to take care of.

I owe on two separate accounts to chase bank around: $1000
I owe to STC's credit card progam around: $200
I owe some crazy law office that wants to sue me: $700
I owe the city of Port Isabel: $400


---all of these debts make me a UNDESIRABLE candidate for a loan. and i am gonna need a BIGGIE loan to move. like... such a huge one. i am thinking about two or three sets of $25,000. the hard part was getting accepted! i am SO glad that i did.



i know i am right now though. i've always known in my heart that i am an actor but now it is cemented in by the fact that someone who studied under stella adler herself accepted me into the school. her understanding of performance art is probably the best for me. i am somewhere between using the stella adler technique and method acting. which is like saying that you are black and white [the colors not the ethnicities]. stella adler uses her IMAGINATION to make things real, she doesn't believe in pulling from an actor's own personal experience. she is true to the direct form of acting... which is bringing your emotions out of thin air. out of what you know and what you've felt and what you can imagine. it's the truest and oldest form of acting and in my opinion is the sincerest form of acting. :D


i am looking forward to my lifeee.

harlow-kitty, enormi-kitty

ugh. i hate when i am backed into a corner. i am not good, it's not good. you are a fool and you will lose.

a life without crisis

is a life i need to get used to. i need to kick back and ride the wave. i always thought that i did but, it turns out that i am just making the motions of riding the wave and all the while i've been drowning.

dying to please.

whatever, i don't want to talk about my weird relationship with my mother. i just want to tell this story.

I've given up going to sxsw because it falls in the middle of my mother's 65th birthday, i've been running around like a chicken without a head trying to find her the PERFECT wallet. She is insistant upon a few musts: it must have a zipper as opposed to a button to close the checkbook area, it must be a dark color as she has plenty of pen-marked cream colored ones, it must be leather... for who knows what reason. so i went to target FOR MYSELF as browsed the wallets, i found an awesome little snappy one that was bright red and i liked it for me. i couldn't bear to leave the store without something mom related so i bought her this wreath of wood shavings shaped like roses, it's really pretty [she hates actual flowers]. back the wallets, i actually found one with the zipper for the checkbook! that excited me beyond belief cause i had been several places [bealls and kohls] and they simply don't exist. the color was black with a few generic looking "brand" designs on it that were grey so i figured that fit the bill. it's not leather because it's target not neiman marcus.


SO i bring it home, she's not very happy with it. i can deal with that it's OKAY! so i tell her we'll keep looking.
after getting my warrant cleared, i apply again for the census at the McAllen Chamber of Commerce... a few steps from the mall. beyond my wildest dreams, i have an urge to go to the mall and look for badass wallets. so i go to Macy's... NONE of them have the zipper checkbook thing but of course they are all leather and all overpriced. and not just overpriced slightly, well into the 300 dollar range. OMG no. i had only brought 200 hundred anyway.




i come home to find that she's put all her stuff in the target wallet. but something isn't settling well with me. her first reaction to the wallet was NO, then all of a sudden it's okay. i go into her room and ask her about it but i interrupt "bible time". i ask about it and she says in spanish that god would "punish her" if she were choosy about a wallet. to each her own, that's chill. and i'm asking her about the functions and to show me how everything looks in it. then she makes the most ANNOYING face sorta a downward smile [the rodriguez brothers are famous for this look except they don't look annoying] and she says "IT'S PRETTY ROUGH".







and i'm like "WAIT, WHAT does that mean?", she starts telling me it's tough on her hands because it's not leather and she mentions that i always buy myself nice things [the aforementioned red wallet was 8 dollars] and that i made myself a "pendeja" trying to buy her cheap things.


eh i just started to cry. i threw some fit and yelled called her an asshole, came to my room and cried. i'm thinking that i really want her to like me now. i am thinking that i want her to like ME. not my room being clean or how many times i take a shower in a week. because i refuse to change those things about myself... now i am trying to get her to love me at any cost. spending my money... doing things for her, making dinner with her every night, reading the bible to her out loud while she gets ready for work. it's a lot of work, it's a nightmare and she still doesn't like me. officially GIVING up.

they took coraline

off of on demand.

oh and you know those problems? i'm over it.

"que quiere decir pimp?"

"it means something good mom"
"OH DOES IT?"