Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Sunday, July 18, 2010
i don't think it's funny to be racist.
I'm a little worried right now because i haven't wanted to act. i haven't picked up any monologue material in like... three weeks. i sorta had a little mini-breakdown, followed by some depression, but such is my life. i understand that mini-breakdowns and depression are definitely a part of who i am. now i just have to be smart and apply them to my art, the art i wanna make. i'm so tired of over-articulating my life. but now i haven't been wanting to talk at all and BLAH i am getting bitter cause shit doesn't go the way i want it to, period. i can't control other people and subtle control of people is usually what i like :x i've realized i'm a little more psychotic than i would like to be.
just yesterday i started feeling better- i can turn on myself really quickly though. I AM TRYING NOT TO.
until then, i will listen to nina simone. i love youuuu porgy.
just yesterday i started feeling better- i can turn on myself really quickly though. I AM TRYING NOT TO.
until then, i will listen to nina simone. i love youuuu porgy.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
will you lift me even higher?
it's become all too clear to me just how crazy my mother makes me. her fucking smug faces, telling me i am "not right in the head" and that i'm on "pills". I don't know how to cope with this toxic relationship with her. ugh it's so ugly and twisted. i grind my teeth so much, slam so many doors, cry all the time... and she actually scoffs. she LAUGHS at me when i tried to tell her just now that accusing me of being on pills and telling me i am crazy isn't something i can deal with. "no selina, ya, estas loca"
i hate to say it but now, this is me. THIS IS MEEEE, who i am, the person i had been running from all this time. if i seem crazy, or emotional or passionate... that's because i am an emotional person, sorting through my feelings can take me all day. it can takes weeks or years. i know my mother is a bipolar 65 year old woman but it isn't fair. i am 23 and so weak minded and emotionally undeveloped, it's not FAIR. but 23 should also mean that i am not living with her anymore. i am excited to move out where i will feel better, where i will live and breathe a craft that has captivated me since i was a child. it's the light at the end of a VERY long tunnel. sara told me that her relationship with mom has gotten better as far as not seeing her as often, but that she's still the same woman. financially helpful, emotionally ruining.
i hate to say it but now, this is me. THIS IS MEEEE, who i am, the person i had been running from all this time. if i seem crazy, or emotional or passionate... that's because i am an emotional person, sorting through my feelings can take me all day. it can takes weeks or years. i know my mother is a bipolar 65 year old woman but it isn't fair. i am 23 and so weak minded and emotionally undeveloped, it's not FAIR. but 23 should also mean that i am not living with her anymore. i am excited to move out where i will feel better, where i will live and breathe a craft that has captivated me since i was a child. it's the light at the end of a VERY long tunnel. sara told me that her relationship with mom has gotten better as far as not seeing her as often, but that she's still the same woman. financially helpful, emotionally ruining.
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