a monster all my life

WELL FUCK

2010-07-20T17:39:00.001-07:00

he can have you.

i don't think it's funny to be racist.

2010-07-18T10:33:00.001-07:00

I'm a little worried right now because i haven't wanted to act. i haven't picked up any monologue material in like... three weeks. i sorta had a little mini-breakdown, followed by some depression, but such is my life. i understand that mini-breakdowns and depression are definitely a part of who i am. now i just have to be smart and apply them to my art, the art i wanna make. i'm so tired of over-articulating my life. but now i haven't been wanting to talk at all and BLAH i am getting bitter cause shit doesn't go the way i want it to, period. i can't control other people and subtle control of people is usually what i like :x i've realized i'm a little more psychotic than i would like to be.

just yesterday i started feeling better- i can turn on myself really quickly though. I AM TRYING NOT TO.

until then, i will listen to nina simone. i love youuuu porgy.

will you lift me even higher?

2010-06-16T09:02:00.000-07:00

it's become all too clear to me just how crazy my mother makes me. her fucking smug faces, telling me i am "not right in the head" and that i'm on "pills". I don't know how to cope with this toxic relationship with her. ugh it's so ugly and twisted. i grind my teeth so much, slam so many doors, cry all the time... and she actually scoffs. she LAUGHS at me when i tried to tell her just now that accusing me of being on pills and telling me i am crazy isn't something i can deal with. "no selina, ya, estas loca"

i hate to say it but now, this is me. THIS IS MEEEE, who i am, the person i had been running from all this time. if i seem crazy, or emotional or passionate... that's because i am an emotional person, sorting through my feelings can take me all day. it can takes weeks or years. i know my mother is a bipolar 65 year old woman but it isn't fair. i am 23 and so weak minded and emotionally undeveloped, it's not FAIR. but 23 should also mean that i am not living with her anymore. i am excited to move out where i will feel better, where i will live and breathe a craft that has captivated me since i was a child. it's the light at the end of a VERY long tunnel. sara told me that her relationship with mom has gotten better as far as not seeing her as often, but that she's still the same woman. financially helpful, emotionally ruining.

ummm

2010-05-15T05:39:00.000-07:00

can i JUST SAY that i am fully, without a doubt inspired by christina aguilera. i mean, vocally who wouldn't be... but her message is so obvious and clearly communicated whenever there is confusion. her message is and has always been female empowerment and almost worship. sometimes it all out there like in the song "cant hold us down" but in her new music video "not myself tonight" she is playing with a lot of s&m imagery. she's the dominatrix but she's also bound and gagged... giving her the decision to be in dominant or submissive but nonetheless powerful. the name of her album is "bionic", another nod to the power of women. i think about how she became a mother recently and i think that her suggestion is that women are a sub-human... able to carry and birth life, almost superior :x. she is probably feeling like a "bionic" woman because she can be a zillion different things all at one time, we all can. she's a mother, a wife, a daughter, a vocalist, a performace artist... but most of all a strong woman.

i feel sad that she is being compared to lady gaga. christina has been platinum blond and is constantly reinventing herself. the "inventions" may not be the freshest we've seen but christina can be the innocent 18 year old girl, dirrty girl, a 20's pin up girl and a bionic woman all at the same time... yet another one of her points. there is no reason to choose, her choice is to be all "tonight i'm not the same girl". sooo fucking good, i am so weirdly excited because she has a song with peaches on the new album and JD Samson produced two songs on it. :x isn't that fucking crazy?

poppin like champagne bottles but we're never shook

2010-05-15T02:47:00.000-07:00

oh man, what a wasted day. worry worry worry, i don't have any problems. i don't need certain people in my life, i had the courage to accept that earlier this year... and now i am just taking it all back. it's hard to grow i guess, cause the next time you fall the fall is much harder. but i refuse to fall, there are some things i have to stay focused on if i want my life to be the fullest, richest it can get. i have enough things to worry about what with my career [it sounds so good to say that], my lack of a job, rejuvenating my relationship with my immediate family, waiting on chase bank to assign me an investigator, clearing up my credit, getting a loan... i have a lot on my plate.

i can't worry about being harassed on my tumblr or being called a bitch and or being terrorized by my friend's boyfriend. i don't expect anything else out people such as those, so i needa chill on being surprised.
life weeded out for me the things that weren't working for me and somehow the weeds are creepin around again. but i won't let them, i can spot them a mile away now. so UM NO.

i logged in to do thiiiis

2010-05-06T09:29:00.000-07:00

do you like it boy? i want want want, what you got got got give it to me baby like boom boom boom. what i want want want, is what you want want want na naaaaa aaaaa-aaaaah

there is something so incredibly special about her voice : [ it's definitely all style but sometimes her low notes make me sooo happy. i'm happy this morning. incredibly so.

cm, ym- cash money bidness

2010-05-05T08:06:00.000-07:00

oh man. things are just so unfair.
i want to scream and yell and kick shit, destroy things, cry loudly. none of that helps, this feels like a silent blog that goes on and on and on. oh my my my, sometimes i wish and wish so hard that things that happened to me will go away. i can't get them to go away, it slaps me in the face all the time, every morning any time that i'm alone. i feel like it knows my weaknesses, knows how to cling on every cell, it makes my heart absolutely ache.

but i gotta learn how to deal. i find that talking about without people rolling their eyes and getting so impatient is a great way of coping for me. but people are tired of hearing the same thing over and over, sometimes i progress leap and bounds and sometimes i am so far back i can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

i think laughing help me soo much. today my asian friend went to a store and as soon as she walked inside she was like, "oh my god there are nothing but 'philippinos' in here they are all gonna like me". so wrong on so many levels that i just burst out laughing harder than ever. it's super light and infectious to laugh at something silly and ridiculous. it makes me feel childlike, like i am pure. experiencing one of the oldest, truest human emotions. lose myself in laughter and in FUCK. :p

2010-04-27T02:54:00.001-07:00

Jimmy Fallon is hot.

dear guy who knocked me up,

2010-04-23T17:05:00.000-07:00

you fucking WISH i was making it up. but actually, that's the only thing i know has happened to me in the last 3 1/2 years, one of the only things i know is fucking real.

my friend from mexico is also not fake. he's not even a really good friend nor have a mentioned him to any of YOU sick sons of assholes.

WHEW

2010-04-20T13:47:00.001-07:00

the over-reaction queen of the world is still me :D last night while i was writing that blog i was screaming and crying. i felt like someone beat me up and pulled my heart out of my face.

but it's really something very silly. i know thiiiis. i also know that the person upsetting me is a monster, a complete and total scary monster. i really, REALLY have to let go of this shit. but i react suuuuuper uncontrollably. but you know what? now it's under control and things are fucking okay. he is not gonna rain on the parade that is MAH LYFE.

los angeles anyone?

2010-04-19T22:25:00.001-07:00

it seems hilarious to think that i was writing such a fucking sapping blog entry about loving people... and seeing the good in people and exposing myself like that. i know better than that, i should hope that by now i know better than that.

i am completely shocked at how easily i am set back. it makes me think that i never really got anywhere in the first place... how can i have such a flimsy fucking grasp on happiness. the truth is i don't know if i will ever survive my sadness, i can't keep my head above water. i'm happy to know that now i am at least trying everyday to make it better, but the sadness comes back in rare form. it's so strong, i haven't learned how to overcome it.

it's just hard sometimes. but it's okay, it has to be okay now.

party monster

2010-04-19T00:28:00.000-07:00

my life is pretty fucking smooth right now. i don't have much to worry about and a lot to look forward to. i don't know what made me think that being negative was smart and savvy and would get me anywhere. turn the knob just a hair to the right and i can hear the radio station loud and clear.

i'm still pretty hard on people inside of my brain, i am still hard on myself but there is something different going on. i think i am learning how to accept people and respect them, actually see the good qualities they have. and the same can be said for myself, i am focusing on the good things i feel and desperately trying to let go of little demons trying to hold me down.

they pop up in my life everyday, these little bloodsucking demon fuckers that want me to self destruct.

i went to a party last night and it turned out to be such an interesting night. i went from crying to laughing so hard i cried.
i guess i have a phobia of men.

i have a reason to be afraid. there was this drunk TEK? frat guy that was the scariest thing i've seen in a while. he was clearly drunk and i don't mind the hitting on my friends, i don't mind the trying to get it. i don't mind if they do get it. this guy was doing the drunk thing where you put your arm around someone really low on their back... and start touching their legs... like grazing them with his hands. he felt so fucking entitled, like cause his dick wanted it... it was his. there was no thought about her, none at all. he was directly staring at her body, fucking creeping me the fuck out.

what made it worse is it got really bad at a point, he pulled a chair next to her and started talking really closely to her face all the while doing the fucking hands on her body shit. and NO ONE said anything. she was surrounded by her friends, including me. and we did nothing. i was scared, so angry... but scared. the moment of truth and i cowered. i consider myself outspoken in lots of aspects but i just watched horrified. finally the birthday boy took her inside while the rest of his frat brothers decided it was time for him to leave.

i was really disappointed in what had happen and in myself for not being able to speak up. i ended up crying quite a bit about it. i don't really know how to explain it or if i need to... but it was really terrifying to see him stumbling around and slobbering and putting his hands on people. he looked so strong to, i was afraid of his strength. and what he could do, what i believe he could do.

i know this isn't partial to men. women are strong and women could easily sexually assault someone. not all men scare me, clearly... but it's just men. also, clearly, some women scare me but not nearly as significantly as men do.

so it looks like my credit is getting cleared up and i am getting closer to being able to get a loan for los angeles. i am so excited to act and learn about the craft and continue my voice lessons there! i can't stop smiling whenever i think about it hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahaha

i've been obsessed with the color fushia, chola makeup and hair [more than usual] and plum lipstick will i ever really wear plum lipstick... i don't know. i hope to god that i do.

HOYT'S MOM hahaha

2010-04-13T04:15:00.000-07:00

this is a hilarious scene, we all have mother's like this right?!

i am tired of being overwhelmed

2010-04-09T12:12:00.001-07:00

i don't know why i can't just properly handle things.
I've been TRIPPING out all morning, that's such a lie cause i just woke up. but i know what i mean :x haha

i don't want to overreact about bars anymore. when i first stopped taking bars... i could be around people who barred out and they served as inspiration for me not to. but i'm stupid and not strong in the slightest and that shit doesn't fly anymore. i am SOMEWHAT envious of barred out people, really angry mostly. angry, partially at myself because i wanna have little to no reaction to bars.

YOU KNOW, i find myself saying i want little to no reaction to alot of things. camel, bars, the queen of my world, my mom...
the truth of the matter is i react very highly. i am a highly reactive person, i shouldn't be so anxious to change that shit. i give a fuck, i am volatile and excited. i have to stand for something, because i've been falling for everything.

idk what this is about.

tessie barks shrilly

2010-04-02T12:26:00.000-07:00

the art walk is today, there is some event at ambiente today. i am not entirely interested in either one but i plan on attending both.

i've really been trying to capture a positive attitude. but an ACTUAL positive attitude. it takes constant work and effort on my part but it's okay. i can be so emotionally lazy sometimes that i'd rather be neggy cause it comes easier and is more natural for me. today i thought about the great personality traits my friends [and sometimes non-friends] possess. i don't have to be everyone's friend, people can find me annoying... it's OKAY. i can still appreciate them for being funny and admire them for having beats in their heads louder than their hearts. i can be so emotional and sensitive sometimes but i think that is what makes me so interested in manipulating human emotions and having an emotional imagination. i am all stella adlered out.

i have a new life plan, which is move to los angeles.
there are a few things i have to do here in order to make it possible. I need to pay off some SERIOUS debt. dudes, i made some major financial fuck ups that i need to take care of.

I owe on two separate accounts to chase bank around: $1000
I owe to STC's credit card progam around: $200
I owe some crazy law office that wants to sue me: $700
I owe the city of Port Isabel: $400

---all of these debts make me a UNDESIRABLE candidate for a loan. and i am gonna need a BIGGIE loan to move. like... such a huge one. i am thinking about two or three sets of $25,000. the hard part was getting accepted! i am SO glad that i did.

i know i am right now though. i've always known in my heart that i am an actor but now it is cemented in by the fact that someone who studied under stella adler herself accepted me into the school. her understanding of performance art is probably the best for me. i am somewhere between using the stella adler technique and method acting. which is like saying that you are black and white [the colors not the ethnicities]. stella adler uses her IMAGINATION to make things real, she doesn't believe in pulling from an actor's own personal experience. she is true to the direct form of acting... which is bringing your emotions out of thin air. out of what you know and what you've felt and what you can imagine. it's the truest and oldest form of acting and in my opinion is the sincerest form of acting. :D

i am looking forward to my lifeee.

harlow-kitty, enormi-kitty

2010-03-31T22:26:00.001-07:00

ugh. i hate when i am backed into a corner. i am not good, it's not good. you are a fool and you will lose.

a life without crisis

2010-03-30T13:49:00.001-07:00

is a life i need to get used to. i need to kick back and ride the wave. i always thought that i did but, it turns out that i am just making the motions of riding the wave and all the while i've been drowning.

dying to please.

2010-03-10T04:58:00.000-08:00

whatever, i don't want to talk about my weird relationship with my mother. i just want to tell this story.

I've given up going to sxsw because it falls in the middle of my mother's 65th birthday, i've been running around like a chicken without a head trying to find her the PERFECT wallet. She is insistant upon a few musts: it must have a zipper as opposed to a button to close the checkbook area, it must be a dark color as she has plenty of pen-marked cream colored ones, it must be leather... for who knows what reason. so i went to target FOR MYSELF as browsed the wallets, i found an awesome little snappy one that was bright red and i liked it for me. i couldn't bear to leave the store without something mom related so i bought her this wreath of wood shavings shaped like roses, it's really pretty [she hates actual flowers]. back the wallets, i actually found one with the zipper for the checkbook! that excited me beyond belief cause i had been several places [bealls and kohls] and they simply don't exist. the color was black with a few generic looking "brand" designs on it that were grey so i figured that fit the bill. it's not leather because it's target not neiman marcus.

SO i bring it home, she's not very happy with it. i can deal with that it's OKAY! so i tell her we'll keep looking.
after getting my warrant cleared, i apply again for the census at the McAllen Chamber of Commerce... a few steps from the mall. beyond my wildest dreams, i have an urge to go to the mall and look for badass wallets. so i go to Macy's... NONE of them have the zipper checkbook thing but of course they are all leather and all overpriced. and not just overpriced slightly, well into the 300 dollar range. OMG no. i had only brought 200 hundred anyway.

i come home to find that she's put all her stuff in the target wallet. but something isn't settling well with me. her first reaction to the wallet was NO, then all of a sudden it's okay. i go into her room and ask her about it but i interrupt "bible time". i ask about it and she says in spanish that god would "punish her" if she were choosy about a wallet. to each her own, that's chill. and i'm asking her about the functions and to show me how everything looks in it. then she makes the most ANNOYING face sorta a downward smile [the rodriguez brothers are famous for this look except they don't look annoying] and she says "IT'S PRETTY ROUGH".

and i'm like "WAIT, WHAT does that mean?", she starts telling me it's tough on her hands because it's not leather and she mentions that i always buy myself nice things [the aforementioned red wallet was 8 dollars] and that i made myself a "pendeja" trying to buy her cheap things.

eh i just started to cry. i threw some fit and yelled called her an asshole, came to my room and cried. i'm thinking that i really want her to like me now. i am thinking that i want her to like ME. not my room being clean or how many times i take a shower in a week. because i refuse to change those things about myself... now i am trying to get her to love me at any cost. spending my money... doing things for her, making dinner with her every night, reading the bible to her out loud while she gets ready for work. it's a lot of work, it's a nightmare and she still doesn't like me. officially GIVING up.

they took coraline

2010-03-09T07:40:00.000-08:00

off of on demand.

oh and you know those problems? i'm over it.

"que quiere decir pimp?"

2010-03-07T13:37:00.001-08:00

"it means something good mom"
"OH DOES IT?"

henney con cranberry

2010-03-02T04:16:00.001-08:00

earlier this morning my itunes was on shuffle. it started to play watagatapitusberry, i felt like throwing up.

INCOME TAX

2010-03-02T03:54:00.001-08:00

yes yes yes yes yes. i don't know about mo money mo problems because ALL of my problems are temporary solved because of a big fat check that was mailed to my house yesterday afternoon.

I have to give my mom $200
the city of edinburg needs $200
i need a car wash costing $80 [monster carwash is a trip]
don't forget the oil change $30
taking my friend out for sushi $50
a full tank of gas $25
getting a fat sack $10
Sephora make up restock $100
getting tessie's hair cut $40
acidwash leggings made $20

...suddenly it's not so exciting. but i am so glad i won't have to worry about that fucking ticket anymore. it's a nightmare trying to find a job when you have a physical warrant for your arrest. i was so busy wondering why the city didn't wanna hire me as their secretary or why the CENSUS never called me back. hell-o, i wasn't thinking so clearly when i applied for those jobs.

I don't enjoy beer as much as i enjoy the idea of having "drinks". isn't that so yuppie? i don't even like to drink but i am obsessed with HAVING DRINKS cause it sounds cool and it's something i am rarely in a position to do. Luckily for me, urban outfitters is out of stock of these black wedges i wanted that would only mean spending another 100 dollars on them. i started thinking, i've spend upwards of $2000 dollars at that store and hardly any of the things i bought are still in tact.

ANITA, i should go to her again. yeah i know valley girl staple but i really enjoy the feeling of going to a little shop in the middle of mcallen.

Things are really falling apart for a friend of mine. and oddly enough i feel like they are coming together for me. i was completely disrespected on FACEBOOK a couple of days ago. and since then my friend hasn't called to apologize to me... or at least explain but my arch nemesis alex did? that doesn't have me feeling so good about my boy-friend but i know he is bombarded with emotions right now, i know exactly what that feels like. i will hang in there and wait to see what comes of this silly, sorted parade. if you wanna have an ego battle, don't do it at my expense- that was FUCKED up. i'm disgusted.

tessie REALLY needs a bath. damn girl.

my bar behavior continues to haunt me.

2010-03-01T02:01:00.001-08:00

i don't even know which way is up. i want to stop being punished for things i did, for how stupid i acted. i can't control this anymore- i feel like a lot of my fucking energy goes into trying to cover up my tracks and move on... when i am not doing that i am dwelling, being plagued and getting eaten away; being half the fucking person that i am.

i am trying to escape myself but so far the only way i've tried to escape it is running away. there are other ways to escape and eventually no matter how hard i try i am going to have to choose an alternative way. i am running out of people to run to, everyone knows me. this is getting harder and harder.

i am watching the episode of the sopranos where christopher's film "cleaver" is released a fucking gangster zombie movie with the antagonist character being modeled after tony soprano.

devanee showed me a video of me on the last day i hung out with sofia. i am miserable and mortified. how could she not? i mean... how on earth was i? i don't even know how to continue these questions to myself. the way i look and sound, the shit i am doing- it's fucking sick. i am fucking sick. it hasn't been long enough for me to forgive myself. i do not forgive myself. and if i haven't been able to do that, i shouldn't expect forgiveness from anyone else. i want it so bad, i want it nowwwwww. the truth of the matter is, i don't think i am gonna get it. i think people have washed their hands clean of me, that's okay. i get it.

wow

2010-02-20T04:33:00.001-08:00

i can fucking taste it, it's palpable

things are okay.

2010-02-20T04:23:00.001-08:00

and i eat pears everyday. i walk tessie everyday. i try to do ME everyday. i've learned when i am anxious i need to just ride the wave of being a human being. i don't have to soothe myself every minute of everyday, i certainly don't need to indulge in relaxation. i've been dreaming of my friends lately, i have dreams that seem like a lifetime ago. like i have no idea how things were how they were. i wake up pretty early and sleep pretty early, i feel tired in the morning and tired at night. i've had two periods since i've seen a lot of people.

i think i am trying to fool myself into thinking that i am some kind of gentle soul. like i'm not raging angry about some things because i want to feel serene. i'm trying to convince myself that i can be someone else, that i don't have to be held captive by my anger. i feel sometimes as if all this shit is in my head, so much now more than ever.

i don't know what's going on but i think i'm losing.

MARCH-eyes.

2010-02-06T10:38:00.000-08:00

i plan on not seeing anyone in a party-like environment until march. not literally MARCH FIRST but somewhere around there. i've committed to being 60 days off of bars until i can go out again. its just something i said i would do... and i wanna do it.

i find it so strange that i can lie to myself, break promises to myself; seemingly, i stop myself from doing anything good. so why can't i stop myself from doing something bad? the break i've had from the outside world is hurting me. i feel paranoid and like i have to watch my back, i need to let go of that. i need deal with being ashamed of myself, it's not easy.

this first month off of bars has been a huge blur. the first couple week or so i would have extraordinary dreams that were repeats of things i've ALREADY DONE and they were nightmares. isn't that hilarious? nightmares of me doing things.... that i've actually already done. slight things were altered but for the most part, i already dealt with all of that. or i THOUGHT i dealt with it... i was too barred out to know what i was doing. so i feel like my brain has stored this creepy shit, waiting for a sober opportunity to deal with it. cause after all, nothing goes unpunished.

jesus christ

2010-01-30T16:54:00.000-08:00

i am having a really bad panic attack, over the silliest things. i think i just get a lot of anxiety out of a certain situation that's been pressing deeper and further. i sorta wanna eliminate it but it would take a while, a lot of other things need to happen before this particular thing can. i sometimes feel like the rhythm of my heartbeat really changes, it actually changes. i've never known the reason why your actual organ hurts when you're heartbroken but it sure as fuck does. this shit is probably just all in my head, like the way you forget to breathe. i know how to breathe, let's go, let's go.

wow

2010-01-28T08:09:00.000-08:00

i have never tried to be positive in my entire life. it's really fucking hard.

i don't wanna fight with friends anymore. i am in ONE fight and that's the only one i wanna be in.

like an alarm clock you can't turn off

2010-01-27T07:49:00.001-08:00

blah blah blah and then ten minutes later BLAH.

so operation: STAY-OUT-OF-EVERYONES-FACE-SO-I-CAN-STOP-TAKING-BARS is going pretty well. i am visiting friends during the day and making sure that i come home before six. :x i am super sensitive, any little wave of emotion makes me really vulnerable. so my friends don't get to humiliate me anymore with volatile communication. i really have no room or desire to bother with that right now. i am too busy realizing awful shit i've done and feeling like shit about it. but i am feeling like shit constructively, it's not a big deal. i am working on taking responsibility for my actions but there have been so many fucked up actions... it's kinda hard to distinguish what was bar related and what wasn't.

i found two bars in my car and cried again. I CRIED OVER BARS, cause i wanted to take them super bad. i shoved them out the window and after i cried for like a minute i got really mad? and started banging on the wheel. i don't know how i fucked myself up so bad but it happened. i just gotta come back to being schelly. and hopefully there are still people waiting for me to be normal and if their aren't, i will have paid the ultimate price. and maybe now i'll know what it really feels like to be lonely, not the pseudo loneliness i've victimized myself with over the years.

today is a new day and i am taking tessie for a walk.

there's a hole in the world like a great black pit and the vermin of the world inhabit it.

2010-01-22T05:03:00.000-08:00

I have a sinus infection. hahahahahhahaha, no surprise there. i don't know why i hadn't thought of that myself. I went to the doctor today because now my nose is stuffed and i have phlegm coupled with just about the worst sinus pressure i've ever felt.

so i walk in the examination room and nothing gives me more anxiety than waiting not inside the waiting room but inside the examination room. it drives me bananers, i don't know why... it just always has. to be in the presence of the fucking old needles people have used and cotton balls and the fucking doctor NEVER enters the room. so i am sitting there trying to explain my symptoms, all the while i am shaking my legs and talking with my hands. very common selina behavior, especially inside the examination room. when she asks me, "did you need a refill on your anti-anxiety medication". i had totally forgot that dr. melva palacios had once, last year, prescribed xanax.

i stopped dead in my tracks and almost blushed and let out a very quick "no". to which she responded, "are you sure?" and i said another even shorter "yes". but then we both stayed quiet for a long time. i could feel her watching me and by the time i looked up at her, i had already started crying. she got up off her wheely chair, put her hand on my shoulder and said, "you are going to be okay". then... i felt crazy. i started to smile and laugh and i said "i know, i'm excited!". She suggested i see a psychologist and referred me to one. to be honest, i probably would have made an appointment by now- only SURPRISE my insurance doesn't cover that particular doctor.

but i don't need/want doctors in my life. i am kind of scared at the clarity i've gotten in just ten days or so.

my friends won't tell me the shit that a certain friend has talked about me. they refuse to show me certain texts and or conversations they have had with this certain person because they know it will just put me in a xanax-state of mind. that's actually a really fucking good idea! i know people are loaded with horrible, bad and above all TRUE things to say about me. i don't know why i insist on hearing word for word what this person says/has said about me. it won't help me, i have just got to LET GO of negativity no matter how desperately i try to hold on to an semblance of it.

new world in my viewwwww, on my journey i pursue. they caught me running, running from the city cause i've got the new world in my viewwwww. it's so lame but songs really help a sister out and singing really loudly does too. i bathed tess today and she's mad. she doesn't wanna climb onto my bed.

I WON'T BE PUNISHED FOR LONG.

yellow cling

2010-01-21T09:48:00.000-08:00

i just opened a 6 pound can of peaches in light syrup.

please don't confront me with my failuressssssss, please please do!

2010-01-21T02:30:00.000-08:00

i'm in the stage of recovery where i am just super ashamed at all the weird/barlowed things i would do, i can only imagine how bad i looked doing it. soooooo disgusted with myself but i am HAPPY to be. you know what i mean? all this shame that i tucked away and hid behind more and more bars is finally catching up to me. i am having flashbacks of me saying i have people dicks in check?! of me needing to vomit and farting at the same time? of me making things up entirely out of nowhere? of me getting a horrible reputation as a LIAR, of me waking up in the passenger seat of my own car in some neighborhood, of me not remembering the conception of a child... which lead to an abortion, of me not being able to stay sober enough to find a fucking job so i wouldn't leave my friend hanging when i moved into her house, of me eating gross things and not even remembering the next day, of me sharing information with people that i shouldn't have, of me telling people that i loooove them AND hate them, tooo fucked up. just tooooooooooo fucked up.

bars are reminding me of cocaine now. that sudden disgust i got with cocaine is what saved me. i have to suddenly become disgusted by bars and you know? I AM.

i wanted to audition for a play yesterday at pan am. but as i was going through some monologues from an old book i realized i am not at my acting peak right now. i am sorta having trouble feeling anything. and no, i am not apathetic. i just mean.... idk. i am having trouble placing myself in someone elses shoes, my shoes my shoes are oh so full. with bars dancing and dancing in bars and falling four times at tejano bounce.

i am going to be okay.

wait until your father gets home

2010-01-19T06:19:00.001-08:00

how many times can i dream about him crushing ice into my kneecap on our way to seaworld?

i told you i was trouble,

2010-01-16T20:12:00.000-08:00

just knocking at your door. i can't seem to feel a thing other than pain. today i realized i am sorta impervious to happiness or anything good, i let it slide right off of me. it can't touch my skin, it won't stay inside, it doesn't dig deep, it just doesn't stay inside me anymore.

this isn't about anyone or anything in particular but more about everyone and everything around me, not around me. how did i get so far away from what i want to be? how did i get so close to becoming my fucking nightmare?

how do i stop this?

but left to hang like yarn and twine dangling before my eyes.

2010-01-14T08:26:00.000-08:00

i can hear the breathing of a pretty boy and girl sleeping on the floor behind me, their breathing is in sync and it's making me feel a lot better right now. this is not easy, i find myself shedding tears for a lost friend in secret, while a house full of people sleep. i've been waking up early just for this special time i need for myself. a quick and quiet reminder that the pain in feel now , is the pain i've already sent out there- it's just coming back around full circle.

yesterday was my first day not taking bars. i don't know how long i am going to hold out on my first try but i am sorta hoping to find out that i am fucking super woman and that i can fucking do this. it literally hurt seeing everyone break off a half or take an entire bar yesterday. i wanted to get angry about it, until i started to remember one night that i came home and took pictures with my macbook when i was barred out. i couldn't look good, i couldn't look normal. i woke up the next day and i was shocked, like a glass of ice cold water had just been thrown in my face.

moral superiority fascinates me.

i'm not even sure that our friendship will survive this. what if i never take another bar? i don't think that will magically put everything back in order. i hate, hate, HATE to say that i think this one is severed for good. i just hope in a month or so someone will drop her a line, telling her how good i've been and for her to know that it's for her and me. to show a little fucking appreciation for an 8 year friendship, my part of mourning her is finally doing right by me.

and you tear you tear your hair from roots, from that same place you have twice removed.
now we speak in ruined tongues and the words we speak aren't meant for anyone. just a mumbled sentence to a passing acquaintance but there was once you. - i never thought that bright eyes would show up in my life again and make sense.

i wish i could wear a mask.

just as all was well.

2010-01-12T04:15:00.000-08:00

my aforementioned friend said he read my post and that he thought it was nice and hoped i meant it. cause i've said things of that nature before but never followed through until last night.

but unfortunately, this evening a dear DEAR dear friend of mine told me that she no longer wanted to know me. I am so crushed and heartbroken. I've never imagined that she would choose to no longer be on my side. the weight on her shoulders, the shell around her that i created was crushing her. and i let another friend whom i care deeply for, slip through my fingers. she hasn't been very proud of me these last couple of months, i've been at my worst.

the worst part of the situation is i'm someone else now. i have to fully engage in the fact that recently, i've been a bar-monster. i've been going out non-stop for about 6 weeks now. my friends and i usually have the best time, but what some of my friends don't have in common with me is my abuse/love for xanax. this entire 6 week period has been dripping with bars from the ceiling. you know... like having a crack in your roof and you're knee deep in water without knowing where it's coming from.

I carry with me this horrible, horrible little human inside me that's a jealous, addictive, mean, cruel, BITTER and vicious animal. the animal that most of us have inside. but when i take bars which are always like [two or three, recently i took five] that little monster creeps its way out. it disrespects me, embarrasses me and makes me the night's entertainment. the silly, drunk, stumbler of the evening, thank you very much. i discovered this little monster tonight. i thought "sure i am a crazy asshole sometimes aren't we all?"- that's what i'd tell myself to keep the big scary evil at bay. but the key is to suppress it and have tact whenever i do want to let that monster out. even if it's in public or a private conversation.

so now that that's explained... there are other complications arising from my drug abuse. just recently, i would have sworn on my life that i got into this huge fight with a friend and that he had kicked me out of his house. so i went around my usual crowd of friends, telling them how i was "sooooooo fucked up" and it was "sooo badass". and none of it, not a word happened : [

it actually gave me goosebumps to write that. i fabricated a story out of thin air... nothing even closely related happened. in fact, my friend let me know i was very polite though extremely "barred out". is that not the scariest thing you've heard?

i hit a very high peak on thursday and this tuesday morning i am experiencing the lows. well, one of my friends seems to have a small amount of faith left in me.

but the friend i spoke of earlier, whose shoulders were crushing... she can't bear it anymore. she's an entirely different being also. she's my friend. i can't say it any other way that she is my best friend. she is amazing, she has flaws, she's everything. i've known her for so long, we sing songs together, she makes me walk when she knows i hate it, she makes me delicious food, introduced me to her awesome family, carried me inside on bars when i was passed on on concrete in front of a lot of people, met my crazy ass mother, hates my sister : D, hates my dog hahaha, makes me laugh harder than i ever have before. to think that i'll never get to smell her coconut oil hands and clothing perfumed in teatree oil, or taste of curry and delicious cookies makes me crumble inside.

i don't know how i could have done what i did to her for so long. she has a baby and struggles of her own, there is no way i don't understand why she doesn't want me in her life. i've been this incredible, incredible source of negative energy for a long time. almost black hole like. and now since the drug use has gotten worse... it's like watching me rot from the inside out. AND coupled with the making stories up and lying to her. she's convinced that i lie about everything. she even asked me if my friend from mexico was real. something that brought me to tears because how could i have let that happen.... how could i let my best friend doubt me in such a profound way that she thinks i would make a person up? I get a literal pain in my chest thinking about it. she told me my excuses were laughable and laughed at me. she has never done that before, she also called me an asshole and was being sarcastic and highly agitated the whole time. the way that she treats someone she really doesn't like... she was being cruel. i've known her for long enough to know that she's really really pissed off at me. so yeah, i'm fucking without a doubt crushed right now.

NOW! the more pressing topic. how the fuck am i gonna deal with this blow? I've cried talking to a friend of mine about it, i cried in the shower and i cried during this blog. I have drank one beer and smoked tobacco. what am i going to do when i wake up from all of this? i swear it feels like a dream, like i am gonna wake up from this. but this is my reality right now and it makes my heart beat fucking faster every time i think of that.

it will be a day-to-day struggle. i feel like she had a BULLSHIT expiration date and i gave her just about enough.

sadly enough, this is what i need. for the people closest to me to say I'VE HAD ENOUGH. because i don't want to be with her or alone. i'm already so fucking lonely in a room full of people, the actual manifestation of being alone would be too much to bare.

so this is what i've been doing:

i need to sing my range. yesterday i was only able to hit 5 octaves [which in my case makes me an alto] but usually i am a 6 octave range [which makes me a mezzo-soprano] i'm worried about that.

theater?!

wow. new year, same old selina.

2010-01-10T06:45:00.001-08:00

i am amazing myself lately with my ridiculous behavior.

i am solving nothing, nothing, nothing. trying to get someone to feel as badly about themselves as i do but this person feels nothing.

i've been thinking a lot about forgiveness and what it means to me. i believe that i am truly incapable of it, in certain circumstances. i forgive and i don't forget- but is that really forgiveness? i choose to let certain people back into my life so that i can be friendly when i wanna be and be a mean, nasty person whenever i feel like it. AND the excuse is always that i am still mad about the old shit. i can lose my temper whenever i want because of something i've already supposedly forgiven that person for. right?

wrong. i really, really didn't think that i was delusional. which i guess is part of actually being delusional. i didn't think that i was in a relationship with that person [though all my friends agree that i treated this person as if we were] i don't want to be his girlfriend. what i do what however, is to keep him miserable.

so this person that i speak of was having some issues with his friends. and they would all talk shit about him, literally we'd have at least a 10-30 minute conversation about this person and it would all be bad talk and half of me loved it, while the other half of me hated it. i wanted to stay true to this person and be his friend but at the same time i was loving the fact that he was suffering- and that kind of evil that lives and harbors inside of me scared me.

i couldn't believe that i was enjoying the fact that people didn't want him around anymore. i was also enjoying the fact that i was one of the few that still spoke to him. manipulative much?

my entire reaction and disposition was so hateful and twisted. i almost felt like i was addicted to this person. the high i would get whenever i he was around, the high i would get keeping it a secret from my friends that i still wanted him around, the pain and literal withdraw i felt when he wasn't around... all very very sickening.

many many times i had come to the decision of not speaking to that person anymore because i couldn't handle myself around them. but a week would roll around and i would literally be fiending to talk to him. until, thursday night.

thursday night i embarrassed myself and him by yelling at him in a club, throwing peanuts at him and getting kicked out. i really didn't think it was that big of a deal... but what kind of friendship is that? not a normal one... not one that he wants anymore. HE had to make the decision because i wasn't strong enough to do it on my own. he officially called it off and said that he didn't want to see me for a while and needed a break from my ridiculousness.

and those were entirely valid points. but then he went as far as to say that when i was drunk/barred i became a sexual deviant? i don't know that i agreed with all his points, particularly that one.

okay! so the point is i got the new world in my view. now that i don't have much of choice... i think it's going to be easier for me to actually move on. not just pretend but ACTUALLY do it.

so i got to thinking about the new world and the new year i wanna live in. and it's mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine mine. i am buying fabric this morning and am gonna make a friend of mind a dress and do some other creative things, i'm gonna pick up my camera and do creative things with that... get involved in the arts that i love again. get over the silly stuff and keep busy.

this living inside of my brain thing does not work for me. for years i felt like i was rotting from the inside out. some people could tell the general sadness i usually carried around with me. i don't want to be that person anymore. i want to be confident, i want to respect myself and above all i want to love myself. the problem is... it's been so long since i haven't i don't even know where to start.

what i've decided is that respecting yourself and loving yourself is a day-to-day struggle. every moment, every decision has to be made with my best interest at heart. so that's it, that's how i will begin this crazy, obscure journey to self-respect. i just hope i get there. i am not even half the girl i used to be.

2010 is the year i get me back.

feeling for a fix then you should really get your fiend on

2009-10-08T06:07:00.001-07:00

these colors remind me of the ocean and if i can look down during the day and think of the beach, i'm doing it!

favorite things right now.

2009-10-06T04:37:00.001-07:00

1. Plum Lipstick or any other rich color. Hopefully I can find an outfit bright enough to be paired with plum lipstick. I find if I wear all black with my black hair... I will look gothic. and not in a good way either.

2. temperley vintage gold and jeweled bracelet. I swear Anita has the world's best vintage clothing. If you look super closely you can find awesome stuff! Like this bracelet and a Valentino purse I bought last year.

3. Vintage Anne Klein gold watch. I'm looking forward to wearing two gold watches at once. one thin and one masculine one, i haven't found the perfect masculine one yet. I'm sure it will have to be vintage too.

4. vintage leather, grey clutch.

life is simple.

2009-09-30T06:35:00.000-07:00

humans are the strangest. so complicated and dying to define everything when nothing has a definition. we live and we die and it doesn't really matter what happens in between. it doesn't make me feel better to give my life pointless seriousness or importance because it shouldn't be serious or important at all.

there is no meaning, there are no answers and i refuse to be spiritual. there is nothing that cures the truth and sadness of human life. i can understand the need to feel like we're not alone though, it's tempting but overall comes up short.

so hungry right now.

what's left to abort?

2009-09-28T00:44:00.000-07:00

i never gave the idea of abortion much thought. since i was a younger girl, whenever i was asked, "would you ever get an abortion?" i would always answer "yes". but if i was ever asked "do you think you'd ever need an abortion?" my answer would have undoubtedly been "NO"

i've always been pretty reserved sexually. never really doing the fucking your friends thing, it was never really my style. it's much to do about me. having sex with people, then chilling with them was embarrassing for me. i would sit there and go over things that they said and how they looked during the sex. which, i was sure they were doing to me too. so to avoid all that i generally didn't fuck my friends. then i started thinking it would be safer to have an experience with my friend since i know him, think he's really funny and totally cute.

it started with irresponsible sex. i was more drunk than i had been in a while and i had taken to xanax. from what i can gather we were at a club first. which lead to us nonverbally communicating with each other that we should go to my car. we go to my car and make out and it's at this point that i realize he is being a little rough. BUT, what can i say? I was still enjoying myself. Then this lead to terribly unsuccessful fellatio on my part, the aforementioned xanax slowed down my breathing so much so that i couldn't breathe during oral sex. so i really don't know what happened from there but we re-entered the club and it was also at this point i noticed he was SPEEDING up ahead of me so that he wouldn't be seen re-entering with me.

i got a horrible knot in my stomach.

all i get is "oh my god, what happened to you, your neck is all red!" to which i just laughed.

well, him and i end up at the same after party and are both so fucked up we don't return to our own homes. instead we end up on the kitchen floor of a mutual friend's apartment. where are disorganized attempt to have sex continued. from this point on, i don't know what happens.

my face is burning and i open my eyes, only to find that my eyes burned more. my vision gains full strength and i realize that he is on top of me, drooling on me with his pants down, snoring so loudly that it actually made me smile for a split second. i had to get this fool off of me. i closed his nose so that he could wake up... but he didn't- he just opened his mouth allowing more drool to fall on my face and mouth. so then i stopped trying to be polite and shoved him off of me, searched for my purse and walked out the front door.

as i walked out of the apartment i realized my neck and legs hurt a great deal. i got into my car and immediately brought down the visor so i could look myself in the mirror. i was covered in violent looking hickeys some were on my cheeks, chin, lips but most were on my chest. and yet still i had this, "well this looks like fun" feeling in my stomach. i still wasn't upset about it.

then i actually talk to him. the first things he said to me was that he didn't remember a thing and for me not to tell anyone. which altogether in one sentence doesn't make much sense. if you don't remember anything, what exactly would i be telling other people? it was at this point i began to realize just how ashamed he was. i wasn't exactly top notch, he didn't want anyone to know about it.

that plagued me for about two weeks, until there was another show where we crossed paths. people were doing the classic post-show-parking-lot-hang-out, except he wouldn't look at me. he didn't say hi to me, he walked away as i approached the group. i remember my face getting red and feeling completely humiliated. i felt like throwing up.

somehow i found myself writing him emails and sending him instant messages that were never responded to. and somehow my obsession with him only grew from there. and i would try harder and harder and go to larger extremes to get him to at least look at me, further humiliating myself. i couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that he didn't care. that i couldn't force him to care enough about me as a friend to talk to me, to acknowledge me, to not be embarrassed of me.

i wrote him some crazy myspace message telling him about how angry i was and two days after he had read it and ignored it, i took a pregnancy test.

i didn't cry, i didn't do anything really. i just sat there on the toilet with my mouth wide open. completely aghast, it never occurred to me to keep my child. almost immediately after realizing that i was really pregnant with this shameless asshole's CHILD i began to think about how to get money to get rid of it. i called several places and the price was pretty much $400 dollars.

what i hate to admit was that he had everything to do with me aborting my child. i let him have so much of me to begin with, that i was willing to let him have the inside of me too. i only thought to myself, "how on earth can i tell him, he won't even look at me", "how can i keep the child of a guy who's ashamed to even be my friend", "how can i keep this baby if he doesn't even fucking accept a myspace fucking comment from me?"

him, him, him, him, him, him, him. i did so much thinking about him. i would watch him jamming out with his friends, laughing it up not having a care in the world and felt sorry for myself. i just sat there and felt SORRY for myself. so often i wished i was the hot chick that got all his attention. so often i wanted to be someone he cared about so that i wouldn't feel this way anymore. i wanted to know he wasn't the most evil person on the planet. i resorted to public slander of his character and shouting mean shit to him whenever i was close enough to him. and even those attempts didn't work, i was further humiliating myself.

I made the appointment 12 weeks into my pregnancy. there was a counseling session that i was advised to be a part of. and she asked me "what makes you sure that abortion is the option for you?" I just sat there and cried about how HE didn't like me, how HE wasn't nearly ready even the concept of being a father, how HE was ashamed of me, how HE wouldn't help me. i never mentioned myself, i just kept repeating to her "i want him out of my head and i want him out of my body".

it was the best kept secret of my life. no one knew what i had done, no one knew the decisions i had made- which was a terrible idea because i just got sucked right back into feeling sorry for myself. "no one knows what i'm going through, life is so sad" blah blah blah. and around and around i went. i started coming up with baby names. IF i had my child i would name it this and that. for some reason i wanted to name my son Garces and my daughter Lourdes Pilar.

it wasn't until two years after my abortion that i started thinking about myself. what it meant to me to have a child and what it had done to me to get an abortion. i still don't know.

i've always said i never wanted to be a mom.

TV

2009-09-24T05:59:00.000-07:00

i'm so sick of people saying television is bad for you. i think it's a beautiful form of media, it's easily abused but if we can make decisions to listen to whatever kind of music we want... the same goes for what television shows we watch.

i don't watch survivor or american idol. i don't watch Rock of Love or whatever the other dating show with flava flav is called. obviously, that isn't a rich form of entertainment. but i can't shut off television completely. with the ability to have a weekly series, we're open to real character development and we're open to watching characters grow. it's also important to see the bigger fucking picture!

get passed the obvious and look deeper into the themes of television shows. how can i apply them to my real life and how to i relate? why do we watch what we watch? you end up learning quite a bit about yourself in the process. it's just like books. the little prince is NOT about a little dude who hops from planet to planet. just like Alice in Wonderland and The Wizard of Oz are not what them seem. they are huge allegories for the BIGGER FUCKING PICTURE in life.

don't be such a noob.

mosquitoes.

2009-09-24T02:44:00.000-07:00

i try not to make a big deal out of them.

but this one has been buzzing by my ear, by my neck and in front of my book nearly all night. i sorta feel taunted.

like he's living my life, mocking the fact that i haven't looked up from my book all night.

bzzz bzzz bzzz. like he gets a fucking kick out of the fact that every thirty minutes i try to get up and find him so that i can kill him. i just want to kill him right now. my feet, hands, face, thighs and ankles will be my evidence. he pushed me to do it.

it's either him or me but i can't catch him. he's a slippery baby of a mosquito. only when he passes my window or book can i see him, it's so strange. i try following him with my huge human eyes but his little body slips just about anywhere. he's winning and laughing, my blood fueling him. he'll probably slip out of a window or door tomorrow and tell all his friends about how he spent his night/early morning. or with my luck, the mosquito will be ashamed of me. he won't acknowledge me, he'll leave me and never want to drink from me again. he'll buzz right out of my life like so many mosquitoes before him.

the book i'm reading:

It's such a fantastic book! it's about seven different lives, they all live in the same suburb and it's sorta how their lives intersect and the perceptions they have of each other. the perceptions they try to control and the book tells how little the characters really know about each other. even the married couples. it sorta reveals this shocking truth about things that can seem so ordinary and how the term "ordinary" doesn't really have a definition in society. themes that aren't exactly original but their meaning and presentation are SO original. we end up feeling like the 33 year old retired cop is the creep and the psychosexual "pervert" is the victim. new perspective, new new new.

ALRIGHT. so everyone knows my insane obsession with producer/show creator Alan Ball. Firstly, i was head over hells for his series Six Feet Under.

an intense drama about death with so my sincerity it was soul crushing. I can talk for hours and hours about the enormous effect this show had on me. but recently, he just wrapped up a second season of his ridiculously critically acclaimed show, TRUE BLOOD.

Aside from the fact that I have always been consumed with death, i just love the themes of True Blood. Immortality, mortality, what life means when you can't die, social injustices, religion, savage-like sex, the definition of love, possession, humanity, what being a human means... all the BIG themes that animate my life.

There is a character named Jason Stackhouse, who is the older brother of the main character Sookie Stackhouse. Jason has been through a lot; his parents killed in a flash flood when he was eleven, his grandmother and girlfriend being savagely murdered by a good friend and co-worker of his. He sorta had this emptiness inside of him and all he knew to do was to be hot and fuck anything that walked.

In the second season of the show, Jason feels the need to belong and was recruited by a anti-vampire church called The Fellowship of the Sun. the idea of the church is that they are radical and believe vampires to be... well, evil. Jason doesn't question much, he just feels like he belongs to a family and feels closer to god. He makes the worst decisions and suffers greatly for them. But something that i can't shake is how his character just wants to be good. he just wants to be closer to his maker and do something for the greater good of mankind. he wants to be a hero but doesn't know how to save a thing, not even himself. he wants to be there for his sister and he wants to love and be loved in return.

I have the most in common with this character.

that's Jason Stackhouse having a conversation with Reverend Steve Newlin founder of Leadership of the Sun [notice jason's muscle shirt stands for Light of Day Institute]. sooo fucked up, yet so powerful. self-righteousness for the "glory" of god proves to be much scarier than sharp-toothed men.

sometimes you have to have a thoughtless fashion moment.

2009-09-21T20:33:00.001-07:00

Nail Polish: OPI for Sephora in Dark Room

Eyebrows: Urban Decay in Honey Pot

i have the biggest urge to blog about my current obsessions:

i'm starting to except that i like deep colors, not just black on top of black on top of black. don't get me wrong, i still love layering black. and totally dripping in gold with it. but as fall and winter are approaching, i can't help but sorta itch for a little bit of color.

but i've never really been comfortable with super bright colors so my way of letting jades and purples into my wardrobe will really just mean they will be deep jades and purples, deep maroons and of course grey grey grey! what would i do without being able to dress in all different shades of greyyyy? aye. i need to go shopping.

i feel like it's finally about faux fur with me. aside from the barbaric cruelty of real fur, it doesn't feel very nice to wear. but i can't deny the automatic chicness that comes with a gorgeous faux fur scarf, shrug or even hat. it just completely heightens whatever the fuck you have on! i don't need any help defining my enormous shoulders though, so i'll have to be really careful if i decide to wear my shrug.

completely NOT into flats this fall, blah. flats with skinny jeans, PLEASE get a new aesthetic. but if not flats what the fuck? so over flat boots too. flat flat flat, not for me anymore. i threw on a pair of wedges yesterday with some MC Hammer pants, ugh, made me feel so different. so i guess i'm gonna be doing the wedge heel for good this fall/winter.

sooo irritated with red/blonde looking hair right now. i recently dyed my hair dark brown and feel a lot more comfortable. i realized how much work my skin/eyebrows need. so for now, i won't wear any eyeliner or blush. i just want a clear face and defined brows.

so, i can't get over jade nailpolish! it's a play off the regular old black or that deeply rich red [that nearly looks like black with black undertones].

I GOT THE NEW WORLD IN MY VIEW

2009-08-30T15:15:00.001-07:00

i can say i've dealt with being lonely.

i can say that i've felt like when no one wants to be around you.

i can say that i have felt like i am ashamed of who i am.

i can say that there are things I can't change.

i can't say I like being with people.

i can't say i'm the kind of person that always wants someone around.

i can't say that i would never be proud of who i was.

i can't admit that nothing is my decision.

LADIES LEAVE YOUR MAN AT HOME

2009-08-04T18:13:00.000-07:00

i have been trying to scratch my latest itch. i've been painting my room and reading. i've been talking on the phone and hanging out with friends. i've been aggressive. i've been jealous. i have not been working. i haven't been passive. i haven't been sober. i haven't been creative. i haven't been relieved.

recently, i've been a little obsessed with loyalty. i'm not even sure what that means anymore. who has the desire to be loyal and what they think it means is very important, it's also important if you expect it and... what it means to you.

if you are aiming to be loyal i think that means telling the truth to the person you are trying to be loyal to, even if the truth is horrible and hard to say. i think being loyal is supporting someone when they've done something to disgust you. BUT at what point do you start being loyal to yourself? i think i've come to terms with the fact that i am not really loyal to my beliefs. this fucking punk rock philosophy that's been ingrained in my brain for the longest time, has me thinking how on earth did this happen? how on earth am I stuck in a car with dudes that can't stop saying "joto" and girls that can't stop saying "slut"?

on a completely different note. i was thinking about possibly making this blog about acting. you know, talking about neat actors and actresses. not hollywood assholes but really fantastic foreign and local stage and screen artists that I have the most respect for. and work that really floors me.

above the aforementioned is Alexander Skarsgard. He is from Sweden and has actually been acting for a crazy amount of time. I first noticed him in Generation Kill which i thought was so awesome and beautifully acted. the character was so developed in silent clips with intense expression. it's weird how that mini-series gets the point that there don't have to be fucking helicopters in the background 24/7 to make film significant and moving about war. THEN, i saw Alexander in True Blood as the 1000+ year old, nordic vampire named Eric Northman and his character is cold and totally badass. he is able to give a very sharp "FUCK YOU" with the raise of an eyebrow and even in the way he glances back and forth at people as they talk.

he is the second gentleman who speaks. that quick first line he has is so fucking articulate!

he's the vampire :p

strangers never strange

2009-05-22T06:56:00.001-07:00

it's the observation that is key, but the observation that eats me. the notes and notations won't do anything for me. the pages go on and on and they've existed, before me. on one hand it feels so good, my other hand is rotten like wood. flaking away into dust. it's probably the dust that gets caught in my eye and where again i flush it out. a sort of dignity i never had a hold of, that observation i've never been without.

i don't know myself. but what the fuck does that mean anyway? to know my TRUTH? haha, wtf? I sorta laugh at aimless attempts self-awareness then realized I am shamelessly, ridiculously doing exactly that. I don't know WHY i am trying to be so aware and in control all the time. time, my obsessions, death... those piece of shit parts of my life i'll never be able to do anything about, shouldn't wash me clean and fill my lungs.

they should be drowned or something. drowned by creation or something. You know? I feel like it could work the same way as clogged pores do- i just have them in my insides. i'll make a headband, then it will become the headband.

My old english teacher always used to say I used the worst "to be" verbs in my writing. apparently, that's all I could think of writing with "will be", "we were". i never bothered to come up with something better, even when she would ask me to be creative. i would always choose creative subject matter [often terrible narritives] and write in boring "to be" verbs.

are am is was were be became become..... all "to be" verbs.

birrrfday partee

2009-05-14T10:44:00.000-07:00

what a sweet ass flyer.
happy birthday petey! and me next wednesday.

Birthday list:
bars
beer
bars melted into beer

my kitty's name is Harlow, otherwise known as Kitty Purry

2009-05-07T16:05:00.001-07:00

Kitty Purry, a catholic shawl and a tattoo that I've had for almost two years that two percent of my friends have seen :D
A ridiculously expensive dye job.

alright, so this isn't going to be an interesting post.

I woke up this morning and decided i was too under the weather to go to work. this usually makes for a badass day, except I was really sick. so it was just annoying.

I came home to find Tessie beating up Kitty Purry, by scooping her up with her snout and slamming her against the wall. I will always be true to Tess but, she's totally abusive.

I am moving in with Dezzzz! Probably the most exciting news I've ever had and she's having a drummer circle party at her house this Friday, I want to sing and play the piano and little drum machine I have. My intentions are to get high, bar out and get FREE.

I've got some serious shit to talk about, so I imagine I'll be making another post by the end of today. :D

calm americans

2009-05-05T07:10:00.001-07:00

I brought a kitty home yesterday. My black haired beauty queen was flustered at first, then she realized it was just a baby. The white kitty flips over and over stretching out her little paws, the black dog swats her on the floor- she's too big to play.

I had a dream last night that I was surrounded by tons and tons of folklorico dancer and I could only feel and see bright colors going SWUSH all around me. I kept trying to look at the dancers in the face but at the last minute they'd move around. I could smell pan dulce and I realized we were dancing in front of my dead grandmother in a wheelchair. She was clapping and singing along but the whole dream was silent. I could feel the confetti landing on my cheeks.
I followed this one dancer because I wanted to see her face, I grabbed her by the shoulder and turned her around. When I turned her around, they all turned around. They were all wearing oxygen masks and their faces were rotting.

take your finger off of it

2009-04-30T19:25:00.000-07:00

I'm already disgusted with what I said earlier. I guess that's another weird, hateful thing about art... you can look back at it. Not that writing a little something something on a blog no one knows about is ART but it's document, another breed entirely.

I am dying my hair on Saturday for an obscene amount of money. A ridiculous amount of money! I just wanna see how it turns out. I shouldn't have it light again, dark seems to be the shade for me. Although, I could just do something light because even a blond sounds dark right now. I'm a really indecisive person, which makes me a complete pushover.

I am SUCH a pushover that my friends have told me "you are a fucking pushover"
I'm in fact so willing to give up thinking for myself, I really give it away. I can't decide where I want to eat, where I wanna go [so I end up going to people's grandma's birthday parties], if I should go over or not, what the fuck we're gonna do! I would give anything for the words to fall right out instead of getting an anxiety attack over "cheese or hummus?!"

I can tell sometimes my Sofie tries not to state her opinion out loud first anymore because she knows it would sway my thought. I can't help it! It's not because I wanna look dope, I just care deeply about few and I know if Sofia and I are disagreeing it's because I am missing a point of view. there's something i DON'T know about and I'd like to be told.
which is all great. EXCEPT... I sorta use it as a crutch also. again, just a loophole in having to make decisions.

I have to get back to the world. Enough living inside of my head. I'm so afraid of dying but I haven't moved in years. I don't know what the fuck I am doing! I work really hard at a weird job and go to school for god knows what. I forgot already. Oh that's right... ENGLISH SENLSNG. I am going to be miserable for the rest of my fucking life! haha, yeahhhh I would like to read for a living. or maybe read to you? read to your kids? read to myself.

but yeah, back to the world. I have to dedicate a day where I'll just roll a joint and lie in the grass, smell flowers, get dirt under my nails, walk around my neighborhood, try to walk my dog without a leech, take the ol' red cruser bike out for a spin :D

I can't brew life in my head, it rushes out of my pores almost automatically.

nosebleed cental

2009-04-30T13:38:00.000-07:00

So I have terrible blood sugar [non existant, nearly] and I am anemic to the core. Nosebleeds have become my best friend and it's irony mainly because I never take the high road.

A couple of days ago I thought about art, what it must feel like to be an artist. It reminds me of getting bitten by a snake and sucking the blood out with your mouth, then spitting it out. To be able to extract poisons, sorta speak. but then there are those of us who don't have a way of getting the poison out, so it pumps through my veins and has become my sustenance. WTF, how can I be living off my poison? I have no idea but I am. I could be the explanation as to why I am so crass and careless with even people I care about the most.

The strange this is I know I am performance artist. HA, it feels so weird to actually say that out loud. I am so envious of the courage that artists have, to draw or sing or write. I guess thats why I've penned myself Selina LION lately... [cowardly]. What is an actress to do? Have monologues in the car where I make myself cry and pretend to have different accents [I am currently obsessed with a Shreveport accent and subtle difference between Louisianna and general southern accents]? I already do! Someone be in a performance art group with me and make this all go away.

My mission is not to be ashamed anymore.